In a perfect world, all Big Macs would already have fries in between the buns, and my cats would enjoy taking baths; “Crystal Pepsi” would still exist, and Bahamut would be my mode of transportation. And no one would ever make stupid grammar mistakes–like using “your” and “you’re” interchangeably–because misusing words would be a crime punishable by death. Actually, you know what? That’s the only thing I’ll need in my perfect world, so forget all the other stuff before it.
Putting people on death row for having crappy language skills may seem harsh, but forcing those of us who have worked to attain and maintain our grammar and spelling is worse. What did we ever do to deserve the cruel and unusual punishment of living in a world where people screw up basic words and phrases? Nothing! And yet, we are expected to suffer in silence, with no opportunities for redemption, while certain members of society beat us to death with their nonsense words–a few prime examples being:
I Could Care Less
The phrase “I could care less” is used when someone wants to convey the idea that they really despise something or someone. Unfortunately for the speaker, “I could care less” is not the same as saying “I could not care less,” the difference being that the former has more Care Points than the latter. Thus, if you’re talking about how you hate clowns so much that you “could care less,” you’re basically saying you don’t hate clowns at all. At most, you dislike them because they are scary and make balloon animals that look more like folded dongs, but you definitely do not hate them because you have Care Points to spare.
Being able to tell the difference between “could care less” and “could not care less” is very important, especially when you are talking smack because that is when emphasizing your point really matters. For example: I hate that show “The Hills.” I’ve only managed to sit through one whole episode—which I will never, ever do again because I honestly believe watching that show kills brain cells. That is the only rational explanation for its popularity: killing brain cells enables a person to find “The Hills” entertaining. It definitely has nothing to do with an engaging storyline because all L.C. and her groupies seem to do is go out to restaurants and bars, and complain about how difficult their lives are as a result of going out to restaurants and bars. That’s a pretty weak premise even for a fake reality show. My turd could come up with something better, and it’s a freaking turd.
I do not care at all for “The Hills”—to the point where I could not care less. And if I ever find myself feeling otherwise—i.e., being able to care less—you have my permission to suffocate me in the armpit of that fat guy down in Mexico.
Irregardless
I know what you’re thinking: people don’t actually use “irregardless”! That’s just an urban legend! I can’t blame you for feeling this way for I, too, was once in denial. Back when I was a young and naïve 24 year old, I used to think it was common knowledge that the opposite of “regardless” was “regardful.” I mean, come on! The antonym of “less” is “full”! How is it possible for anyone to screw that up? Even when we’re living in a time where “The Hills” is a popular show, no one is that stupid.
Sadly, I was blinded by my faith in the human race and could not see the truth: there actually are people who are that stupid. These people use “irregardless” in place of “regardless,” and most likely say “regardless” in place of “regardful” or “regarding.” Can you imagine how annoying it would be to talk to someone like that?
“Regardless of my stank body odor, I can’t get a date even if my life depended on it.”
Tell me how that makes sense! Tell me!
Literally
I was reading an article that talked about how this year, children are asking Santa Claus to bring jobs and help their parents pay the bills. One of the mall Santas mentioned how hard it was for him to see young kids worrying about the economy, “I’ve had children just literally tear my heart out.”
Let’s get this out of the way: “literally” means “actually.” If you say something literally happened, you are saying it actually happened. So if Santa had children literally tear his heart out, then he should press charges!
It’s an emphasis thing, I know, but that’s not an excuse for crap-ass vocabulary. Ever heard of “figuratively”? I’m guessing the answer is “no” because otherwise people would be using it instead of misusing “literally.” And people who misuse “literally” should literally be beaten to death with rubber hoses.
Stop manipulating words to make up for your weak language skills! It’s disgusting!
absolutangel64 
Okay. I will remember these 3.
cute post. In my opinion, a language’s only purpose is communication. As long asyou are able to communicate your idea, and the opposing partyunderstands, why is grammar such a problem? I think this way because Ihave many friends who speak multiple languages, including myself, have usually only mastered one of these languages. There are many other means ofcommunicating ideas beyond the use of grammatically correct English.You can use eye contact, body language, tones, etc., I understand themperfectly well. Sure, they have only mastered forty-five percent of Englishgrammar, but they have been able to communicate their ideas throughmultiple mediums. Considering they speak multiple languages, and are more inclined to use more than one medium to express their feelings, I think they are more talented. Comparatively, they’ve had the ability to reach out to more people in a more personal manner. Isn’t that more important?
May I join you in this perfect world? :]
I was tempted to write a comment full of horribly spelled and constructed sentences, except I really didn’t want to get shot. (Here I am, second guessing my spelling over the word sentence. I used to ALWAYS spell it sentance and now I always second guess myself on it.)
There’s a reason why he works at a mall dressed up as Santa… …maybe because he literally flunked out of high school.
AWSOME!=P(notice my spelling mistake. another word people can’t seem to spell.)
please please please take me to this world of yours, that I may escape the agony of correcting poor grammar at work!
I love intelligent people.:DAll points that were addressed are ones that I’ve pondered about my entire life.
fries on hamburgers.. so delicious.
How about “any amount of food eaten supplies sufficient nutrients to fuel our bodies?”
I loved this post; I lauged the entire time. The thing that drives me crazy are your, you’re, to, too, two, , their, there, they’re, are as or oh my God I could go on for days…drives me nuts! Laughing hysterically right now! And what about that tropical sprite…the skittle tasting kind…oh goodnesssss
It’s a Utopia.
you have to ask yourself, even though there may not be a lot of competent people, which tells more about the person? the way they spell? or the message they are trying to project? the world is never going to be perfect, and it shouldn’t be, how else will you love it for what it has to offer, when you have nothing to compare its greatness with its failures?
THANK YOU!
AAAUUUGGHHHH!!! AMEN!!!!
I’d love to live in your perfect world!Organic Grog
Ahahaha… You are right The Hills kills brain cells.That show disgusts me. And how the hell is that show considered entertaining??I love this post. I AM SUBSCRIBING!Yeah.
The worst is “supposubly”
I love this, it’s so true!Have you noticed people using “Ect.” instead of “ETC.”? That figuratively drives me up the walls.
Woooahahahahahah!!!! Awesome!
I would totally live in your perfect world. Big Macs with the fries inside and Crystal Pepsi. Hell yes!:)
Well, it’s not really manipulating words. Simply, contemporary American vernacular has taken on a direction of it’s own. Renewing the definition of “say what you mean and mean what you say”. Irregardless of your claim in a “perfect world” (in this case your perfect world) flaw is always set to be spawned. BTW, Instead of the Big Mac’s already having fries in them in your perfect world, or any perfect world), they should always have fries with them, for free? You know, then that would be the first step towards a successful Utopia.
@Prim_Prim4488 – Exactly, I’m trilingual and sometimes my brain sort of goes blank while ranting along in English, and sometimes I hate having that awkward gap of silence standing there so i through in a vaguely related Thesaurus word, that either raises eyebrows in amusement or bewilderment. So, it would be a dream come true if we could all speak perfectly gramatically, but co’mon! 🙂
I love this post!! Great job!I hate also when people spell awful with an “e”. Sigh, this world, these generations.
you had me at Bahamut. I’m subscribing. My site is full of grammatical errors. I do admit it is because I’m lazy though.Get me at work and I pay more attention. To me it’s dressing in a suit for the proper occasion and wearing what I feel like when I’m at home. Even if it mean I forget to zip my fly. However, when I am at work, I hate to see management writing me emails with things like your/you’re etc.
@PoodyB – oh i’ve been doing it since i was 4. i can’t eat a hamburger without fries.
THANK YOU!!!!!My mother and I are both college students, and last night I helped her grade a stack of English papers (she is a GTA). It was atrocious. I don’t even understand how these people score well enough on the SATs to even get into college in the first place. Forget about using a wide range of vocabulary, how hard is it to even construct a sentence? They obviously were too lazy to use spell check, because if you actually care enough to use this handy tool, it will (usually) tell you when your sentence structure is messed up. One of my biggest pet peeves is abusing the word “loose”. i.e., “I thought I was going to loose my purse.” Even my teachers in high school made that typo!P.S. The “literally” illustration is hilarious!
Irregardless… *shudder* I hate when people say this. It makes me want to correct them. So I do
AGREED 1000%! Oh my GOD. I don’t understand how anyone could do this to our language. It’s terrifying and disturbing. Especially “I could care less”. I HATE THAT. And I’m glad you touched on “literally” as well… I’m forever correcting people on that. Like yesterday a friend of mine said something along the lines of “literally fuck the exam paper”. …¬_¬
This was fun to read. Thank you so much for pointing these things out.
Ban the use of ‘like’ while you’re handing out these penalties.
You forget that no everyone’s main language is English. You’re a narrow-minded hootchie and you deserve to get smacked. I wish to see you demonstrate that you’re 100% accurate in this language; become an English professor will you? Why aren’t you a billionaire lawyer?
Your perfect world sounds like a great place to live.
The question is, do those whom excercise poor grammer, such as myself… achieve the same level of effective communication, if not more?For example, my excessive use of commas… yay 😀
The grammar whore has spoken!
Good grammar is hot.
the worst culpirt… Lil Mama on America’s Best Dance Crew twice complementing people by saying “you cease to amaze me” LOLNik
Bahamut rules!
Oh, man. I get infuriated at the misuse of “literally” (there’s a really fantastic blog called literally, a weblog that points out instances of this misuse, very funny) and whenever someone says that they could care less, I’m pretty sure I actually twitch. “Irregardless” is annoying to me as well, but not as infuriating as the other two. I always feel like a bit of an asshole when I correct people, though. So I just suffer in silence, lol.
Amen.
LOL. This stuff doesn’t bother me as much as it used to.
My minis?Are you referring to the Xmas Icons in my post?They’re just cute icons I uploaded as pictures.=]
do you like manipulating people?
OH man, I’m so behind in reading your blog! I need to get back on program…Haven’t even gotten a chance to fully read this one, since I’m wasting time instead of getting ready for work. So I need to get my butt moving and go put some putty on my face and try to do SOMETHING with my hair.
Now you’re making me feel bad! I never use apostrophes or capitalize when I’m typing because I am too lazy and it slows me down, because I usually type really fast. Actually, It’s really embarrassing because I have flawless grammar in real life and when I am hand-writing something, so it gives people the wrong idea. I’m only thirteen, though. I can still fix this problem, dawg! maybe, if i try har denough, i can doo it wit no mithtkes wutsoever! : )