This is a nightmare no one should have to experience! And yet, people today–in this advanced society of ours–still suffer the cruel and wholly undeserved punishment that is the Toilet-Paperless Toilet Paper Roll!
Unfortunately, the long-held belief that we have wiped this evil off the anus of the Earth is nothing more than a fiction, based on the false sense of security that all toilet paper users live and die by a basic tenet:
You kill the roll, you get some mo’!
Or:
You deplete the supply, you replace the ply.
Or:
If the core is exposed, you replenish the rolls.
Regardless of which principle guides your life, the message is the same: the one who uses the last square of toilet paper has to replace the bare roll with a new one. It’s more than just a common courtesy: it’s our fate; the fate our ancestors chose for us when they decided to create an easier way to clean their butts–since waiting for their poop to dry in the sun and eventually fall off in clumps took too long…and, you know, all those nasty flies…
Now, I know there are a few people who are reading this and thinking I’m full o’ crazy–but they are habitual Toilet-Paper-User-Uppers whose very existences have prevented the human race from totally eradicating the Toilet-Paperless-Toilet-Paper-Roll problem (i.e., just ignore them). All they think about when they use up that last square of tissue is how inconvenient it would be for them to have to replace the bare roll with a new one: they’d have to physically move to wherever the stash of rolls is located, pick one up, move back to the toilet paper dispenser, remove the empty roll, and then, after all that hard labor, attach the new roll. The entire process could take as long as two minutes! Who has the luxury of having that kind of free time?
Apparently, the next person who has to go does…because, I mean, you’re already going to the bathroom…and it only takes two minutes to refill the dispenser anyway.
You know what also takes two minutes? Flinging my dump in your face. Since you made it difficult for me to maintain an acceptable level of personal hygiene, I might as well go all the way by picking up my own waste and throwing it around.
*Awkward silence* …Okay, fine, I’m just saying that for the sake of making a point, but I think you understand where I’m coming from. I don’t like putting off my trip to the bathroom to get a new roll of toilet paper when I wasn’t the one who used up the first roll. Yes, I know I’m complaining about a task that is simple and minimally burdensome, but that doesn’t mean it is immune from concepts of fairness. I didn’t kill the roll, but I still have to get some mo’? Hello! I have to use the bathroom! That makes it automatically more inconvenient for me to deal with the Toilet-Paperless-Toilet-Paper-Roll problem than it is for someone who doesn’t have to go.
And don’t get me started on the Toilet-Paper-User-Uppers who try to avoid refilling the toilet paper by leaving, like, three squares on the roll. Only two squares are actually usable since the last one is practically glued to the core and turns to shreds if you try to get it off. What the hell am I supposed to do with those? Stick them to my butt and hope for the best?
My dream is to someday be able to live in a world where everyone who uses up the roll of toilet paper will replace it with a new one. And I know we can achieve this if we work together…on something. I actually haven’t thought of what our united front would be doing to accomplish total eradication of the Toilet-Paperless Toilet Paper Roll, but I know it will include beating Toilet-Paper-User-Uppers with rubber hoses.
absolutangel64 
What a beautiful dream. ‘Til then use your ninja skills!
You are full o’ crazy. But I never use up the roll.Good luck accomplishing your utopia.
Funny, yet too good. A+ for this weblog!S.C.
Ugh, I hate when that happens =/.
I just hung these TP guidelines in the bathrooom–any placce closest to the toilet, i hung them up twice. Thanks for these words of wiping wisdom. Now I’m off to get some mo toilet paper!
that’s why I keep a stash right next to the toilet. as soon as it’s used up, you can just reach and grab another one.you should submit your Paint artwork to an art gallery. this stuff is great.
lol
hahahhhahahaa
Truly a just and noble cause.
From your lips to their ears . . .
Your blogs about fecal matter, are strangely tasteful! My mom keeps at least 5 rolls artistically arranged within arms reach of the toilet. Artistically meaning, under the trash can, under a pot of flowers, etc etc.
Good luck with fulfilling the wishes of our ancestors. I’m sure our ancestors repeatedly chanted the mantra: “You kill the roll, you get some mo’!” lol.I always replace the roll when it’s out, but if it’s just getting low I’ll put an extra roll on top of the tank for easy access. It sucks when your pants and underwear are down by your ankles and you have to scooch awkwardly over to the bathroom cabinet to grab a new roll. God forbid you ran out though. Yikes!!!
This is definitely a nightmare that no one should have to live through. This is why gals use the buddy system to go to the bathroom. If we are stranded without paper, our friend(s) can hunt some down for us in another stall! LOL
I like the clean-butt utopia you’re trying to create here, but I feel our work will be in vain unless we get everyone on board. Let’s start a donation fund, and once we’ve raised enough money, let’s have some t-shirts made in order to help spread the word. Perhaps let’s even submit our little organization and see if we can’t have it approved as a real-life charity organization, spreading the hope of shit free asses across the country. Once our voices are heard widely enough, we can use the donations to start making the transition over to the 3 Sea Shell system as seen in Demolition Man. Only once we reach this final plateau of butt cleaning unity can we truly be free.
Bahaha.So true.
Need to find me a TP genie. The never-ending roll. GW should start a Gov program called “No poop left behind!>
This was a good laugh. Thanks!
i’d touch myself until the problem solved itself 😀
Bad memories bad memories bad memories.
I guess this doesn’t amuse you thenhttp://photo.xanga.com/J0sephYu/ede10226997593/photo.html
Oh my. I burst out laughing when I read this.
omg, you definitely got some major guts to talk about this but someone had to!! haha, yeah this situation really does suck….but like they teach us in the Marines “adapt and overcome”. Ever get stuck out somewhere you might have to resort to sacrificing a sock or tearing a shred off the bottom edge of your shirt, NOT THAT I HAVE OR ANYTHING 😉
sexy as usual. =)
in that case, I use the cardboard. may be rough but it works
Lol, well said. And because this is probably my last chance to use this Christmas mini… here you go! Completely non-related and non nonsensical – just like those who don’t replace the paper! Or something…
And don’t get me started on theToilet-Paper-User-Uppers who try to avoid refilling the toilet paper byleaving, like, three squares on the roll. Only two squares are actuallyusable since the last one is practically glued to the core and turns toshreds if you try to get it off. What the hell am I supposed to do withthose? Stick them to my butt and hope for the best?——————-HAHAHAHA =D
Always carry some Kleenex. 😉
I always check for TP before I destroy some poor unsuspecting porclain Throne… After that kinda of feeling in your stomach, you know you have to wash up after giving birth to the antichrist… If I have to I clench my ass cheeks harder and look like howard the duck as I “waddle” to the next stall… Unfortuantely the only time your pipe dream will become true is when TP dispensor’s have sensors on them that signal robots to come and reload the TP after the user upper leaves… Another option would be to carry around like enough TP for one ass wiping in your purse for just such incase scenario.
At home is one thing, but it’s a full on crisis when you’re in a public washroom.Thanks for the laugh,Taylor
yawn.
I wish someone would teach my kids the rule of the empty TP roll…..gawd I hate when they use it up and don’t fix it…….
yea i hate that too when it happens 😛
That is pure laziness…all of it.
Minus a few minor details…this is exactly what happened to me today. :( Noooo fun. Ahhhh this is what happenes when my psycho relatives cook for Christmas. Like my ma said…spare a square! (or five)
@LegendaryPanda84 - Lol! It does.
I believe in tissues as back up!
I don’t think rubber hoses suffice. I’d lean more towards pliers.
haha. i LOL’d.let’s unite against the TPUUs!!!!together we can make all toilets and asses safe again.
haha it is not fun especially if they don’t have any extra toilet paper in the bathroom
Loool.
lol cute comic
I was thinking the EXACT same thing last night. This is probably my absolute biggest pet peeve. Or when someone gets a new roll and just leaves it there, without taking the two extra seconds to put it on the damn roll thing, whatever its called. It’s a nuisance and the best example of absolute laziness.
I love the idea of designing some sort of awareness emblem, but I think a ribbon is played out. I see ribbons on cars now and all I do is count them to judge how ridiculous that person is by having greater than or equal to 8 ribbons on their car…which everyone does. i think an awareness rally outside such TP giants as Charmin or Cottonelle would be the best idea. It’d be a lot like those truth rallies, except when we show up our dream speech will read (through a very loud and obnoxious bullhorn while several blurred out faces peer on confused and intrigued) “MILLIONS OF PEOPLE EVERYDAY ARE VICTIMS OF EMPTY ROLL BANDITS! THESE BRIGANDS SNATCH THE LAST SQUARE AND ESCAPE LEAVING THE NEXT UNSUSPECTING SUMARITAN WITH TWO OPTIONS: WAIT FOR IT TO DRY, OR WADDLE TO THE NEXT STALL IN HOPES THAT IT HAS TP, AND THAT NO ONE COMES IN DURING MID WADDLE! THESE TOILET PAPER DESPERADOS MUST BE STOPPED AND WE NEED YOUR HELP ::tp giants name here::!! WITH JUST A LITTLE OF YOUR TIME AND MONEY, WE CAN START SPREADING AWARENESS ACROSS THE COUNTRY, MAKING IT A MUCH MORE LIVABLE, MORE PLEASANTLY SCENTED PLACE!” then we rush the building and empty every single toilet paper roll in the place. Sorry for the novel of a comment, but TP desperados must be stopped!
Ever resort to using the cardboard?I keep a roll of paper towels on the counter just in case.
lol! I ALWAYS check to see if there is toilet paper before sitting down! I have been the victim too many times…
:)))))))))
OMG That is the worst!!!!!!!!! Hilarious post as usual (but it holds so much truth!)
Oh, man this used to happen to me way too often. Now I always CHECK there is a roll before I sit down. It’s become a habit and it is WAY more effective than relying on others to live by the sacred bathroom code!
I see you feel very strongly about this.LoL awesome drawr-ings per usual (=