This is a nightmare no one should have to experience! And yet, people today–in this advanced society of ours–still suffer the cruel and wholly undeserved punishment that is the Toilet-Paperless Toilet Paper Roll!
Unfortunately, the long-held belief that we have wiped this evil off the anus of the Earth is nothing more than a fiction, based on the false sense of security that all toilet paper users live and die by a basic tenet:
You kill the roll, you get some mo’!
Or:
You deplete the supply, you replace the ply.
Or:
If the core is exposed, you replenish the rolls.
Regardless of which principle guides your life, the message is the same: the one who uses the last square of toilet paper has to replace the bare roll with a new one. It’s more than just a common courtesy: it’s our fate; the fate our ancestors chose for us when they decided to create an easier way to clean their butts–since waiting for their poop to dry in the sun and eventually fall off in clumps took too long…and, you know, all those nasty flies…
Now, I know there are a few people who are reading this and thinking I’m full o’ crazy–but they are habitual Toilet-Paper-User-Uppers whose very existences have prevented the human race from totally eradicating the Toilet-Paperless-Toilet-Paper-Roll problem (i.e., just ignore them). All they think about when they use up that last square of tissue is how inconvenient it would be for them to have to replace the bare roll with a new one: they’d have to physically move to wherever the stash of rolls is located, pick one up, move back to the toilet paper dispenser, remove the empty roll, and then, after all that hard labor, attach the new roll. The entire process could take as long as two minutes! Who has the luxury of having that kind of free time?
Apparently, the next person who has to go does…because, I mean, you’re already going to the bathroom…and it only takes two minutes to refill the dispenser anyway.
You know what also takes two minutes? Flinging my dump in your face. Since you made it difficult for me to maintain an acceptable level of personal hygiene, I might as well go all the way by picking up my own waste and throwing it around.
*Awkward silence* …Okay, fine, I’m just saying that for the sake of making a point, but I think you understand where I’m coming from. I don’t like putting off my trip to the bathroom to get a new roll of toilet paper when I wasn’t the one who used up the first roll. Yes, I know I’m complaining about a task that is simple and minimally burdensome, but that doesn’t mean it is immune from concepts of fairness. I didn’t kill the roll, but I still have to get some mo’? Hello! I have to use the bathroom! That makes it automatically more inconvenient for me to deal with the Toilet-Paperless-Toilet-Paper-Roll problem than it is for someone who doesn’t have to go.
And don’t get me started on the Toilet-Paper-User-Uppers who try to avoid refilling the toilet paper by leaving, like, three squares on the roll. Only two squares are actually usable since the last one is practically glued to the core and turns to shreds if you try to get it off. What the hell am I supposed to do with those? Stick them to my butt and hope for the best?
My dream is to someday be able to live in a world where everyone who uses up the roll of toilet paper will replace it with a new one. And I know we can achieve this if we work together…on something. I actually haven’t thought of what our united front would be doing to accomplish total eradication of the Toilet-Paperless Toilet Paper Roll, but I know it will include beating Toilet-Paper-User-Uppers with rubber hoses.
absolutangel64 
Omg reading this made me nervous. I cannot even imagine what I’ll go through with no toilet paper at the toilet or if nobody was there to “save” you. Good post!!
Funniest thing I’ve seen all day – and will see all day tomorrow. I’ll be thinking of you the next time I change the TP roll.
Ugh, people who use up the tp and don’t replace it are the meanest people in the world!
at the very least, they should leave an unopened roll of toilet paper if they don’t actually install the new roll. that’s my second greatest fear in public toilets after the big mess some people leave.
An international cheese and wine tasting event. That’ll raise awareness!
Easy solution: Just use their towels. They’ve inflicted it upon themselves by not putting in a new roll.Your blog is hilarious. Mind if I subscribe?
Actually the poop on your butt would dry and flake off within an hour… Okay, I didn’t say that. What I said was, erm, yes, kill the Toilet-Paper-User-Uppers!
lol, I always keep a spare in my back-pack!
*tear* this is such a beautiful dream… eloquently put forth into the xangaworld…
I found much amusement from this post and I totally agree with you.
The whole “flinging” shit thing made me think of angry chimps.
I’ve gone through this nightmare enough times that I was inspired to always check before sitting down on a toilet (even as I see spots in the air because of overwhelming pressure down there — too much information?). And at home, I make sure spare rolls are always within reach, then outside, I immediately throw myself out of any stall that lacks sufficient paper. Not cool, not cool. Fortunately, the memories I have regarding this moment aren’t so terrible, if uncomfortable.
Oh mannnnn!!! I just cracked up laughing!!! Hilarious post!!!!
hahaha love the animation,
reminds me of My Kim Sam Soon..if you’re blood type a…..you will use your sock..etc.so funny!
I hate public restrooms where every stall is empty. it makes me want to beat somebody over the head with the empty dispenser.
Sigh, my roommate, though fabulous, is lacking in toilet-paper refill skills. I, on the other hand, have vastly improved my “check the roll before you go” capabilities…
reminds me of that one threadless t-shirt that had a picture of an empty toilet paper roll with the text “what would Mcgiver do?”hahaha
XD!I totally agree. That’s a horrible situation no one should have to experience. If you’re in a public bathroom and the stall’s out, go tell the management for godssakes. They’ll appreciate it more than someone bitching about it later. And it’s just polite.
haha. It’s about time you got some featurement love…you’re consistently awesome.
often is the case, there’s just enough ply that covers the cardboard core that it appears it doesn’t need replenishing quite yet. then you take a tug and you realize it’s two squares and a half, and most of the half is dried adhesive that binds the now depleted toilet paper roll to the cardboard core.this is when heads roll.
hahahah you’re a funny lady.Chris Tate would have been proud.
haha. i hate when you’re in a public bathroom, and you pull your pants down and your about to pee and then you see no TP on the roll so you have to pull your pants up real quick and move to the next stall. terrible thing.
I came by, I saw your picture, you are beautiful. That’s all.
Ahaha I was laughing so hard halfway through your post! XDThe simple solution is to just keep a roll next to the toilet…
At last a cause I can get *behind* har har
lol i laughed throughout the whole post. awesome
And if you’re really exploding on time, at least grab a roll and stick it on the toilet tank. The next person can unwrap it and attach it to the dispenser while they sit. I actually do this (put a roll on the tank) whenever the roll gets alarmingly low, just in case. You never know when someone is going to need A LOT OF PAPER. O.o
The cardboard roll itself is often unexploited as a wiping utensil. It’s also made of paper! And it fit’s conveniently well between your “valleys” for optimal wipage! Thinkaboutit! Unfortunately, it’s just not flushable…
That’s exactly why you roll Rob and Big (Mtv) styleand use your extra sockthat you put on.Use it like a gloveand toss it away!solves that problem. =p
AHAHAHA!Thank yousomuch.
Oh my goodness!This totally made my day! I know EXACTLY how you feel (Though I confess to being the criminal in a few cases…but it’s very very very rare.)My favorite is definitely in public restrooms. What exactly do you do? This is exactly why I would rather constipate myself than crap in a public facility.
one solution to the problem better not be the 3 sea shell method š
Yes, Yes, I agree. I love the little cartoon too =D
1 word: bidet. The Japanese have got the solution to your problems all this time.
hahahahaha super funny!
HAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!
Post is super funny.
lol cute pictures hahaa
I liked the part where the chick didn’t have toilet paper…lol
I feel your pain far more often than I would like. Let’s please band together and finally end this plight. Nice post. =P
xDI love it! I always replease the roll and I usually put three more rolls within arms reach.
The guest that stays at our house gets to wipe their butt with Kleenex.
this is so hysterical! and i can totally sympathize. i’ve been working on my family for 5 years to replace the tp roll when it’s done. one day, just maybe, our dream will come true.=D
i never knew talking about toilet paper could make it to the front page of xanga
So true! It drives me crazy when there’s no TP. My little sister never ever replaces the roll and it makes me so mad! Argh!Great post š
sooo…..i love you this made my day =)
the no toilet paper e – card š http://www.hallmark.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ecard%7C10001%7C10051%7C123929%7C147551;-102001;-102270;-102018%7Cecard%7CP1R9S%7Cecards?&totalCategories=15&sortBySelect=&categoryId=-102018this might give you a laugh š
Thank God, I’m not the only one who is totally irritated by Toilet-Paper-User-Uppers. What I do, to get revenge, is hide the Toilet Paper in a secret location, then, when they next need to go, they have none!Perhaps not taking the moral high road, but….SCREW THEM!Great post xXx
I’ve experienced this before. This is why I store a set of sealed toilet paper rolls in a cabinet under the sink, just in case there is a time when someone used the last toilet paper and did not re-supply.