I hate “Almond Joy” candy bars.
An “Almond Joy”—which I think should instead be called an “Almond Sad”—is a chocolate-covered block made of shredded coconut and almonds. Biting into this nightmarish concoction is like biting into a wad of old, chewed-up, gum with bits of raw asparagus: it has a strangely crunchy texture even though the coconut is gooey and somewhat “sweaty” looking.
I have eaten maybe a total of five of these unsavory “candies” in my entire life. The first time must have been when I was an innocent, gullible child. I say “must have been” because I don’t actually remember the experience. My brain has suppressed the memory to prevent me from punishing myself for ingesting toxic waste, but I am pretty sure it went down like this: an adult I trusted to look after my best interests probably gave me an “Almond Joy” to avoid having to eat it herself. And she, knowing that I held her in such high esteem, most likely told me to try it because it was “yummy.” And so I did. I listened to her. I ate that disgusting mass of compressed filth because I trusted her. And what did she do? She betrayed me!
The other four times I had an “Almond Joy” was to see if my tastes had changed as I grew older. Perhaps my taste buds were maturing the same way my body was, so that now those chocolate-covered-coconut-and-almond turds tasted more like deliciousness and less like defecation. Unfortunately, I was always wrong: “Almond Joys” never tasted better; they actually tasted worse. Not only that, my periodic taste tests always left me with a deep sense of self-loathing.
As disgusting and unpleasant as “Almond Joy” bars are, Hershey’s continues to sell them. The company even goes so far as to include it in its bags of assorted chocolate candies. Imagine finding in the midst of delicious “Nestle Crunch” bars, “Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups,” “Kit Kats,” chocolate and peanut “M&M’s,” “Butterfingers,” “Snickers,” and “Baby Ruths,” a handful of “Almond Joys.” Extreme vomitty madness would ensue!
But someone must be buying them, and this someone is the “you” in the “Almond Joy” jingle: “sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t. Almond Joy’s got nuts. Mounds don’t.” I want to find this “you,” this elusive Big Foot of the confectionary world. And so, starting right now, I am on a quest to find one person whose favorite candy is the “Almond Joy”! I’m not talking about the guy who will eat one because he’s hungry and just grabbed the first thing he saw in the office candy bowl. I mean the guy who goes to a store, heads straight for the stack of “Almond Joys,” and pees his pants when he sees they are on sale. I want to find “you”!
Wish me luck!
absolutangel64 
First! I think my dad likes Almond Joy…but then again, he’s the guy who will eat the spoiled chicken and 2 year old salami. So I don’t think he counts. I personally hate the things.
you found me. i like almond joy! i hope this doesn’t lower me in your eyes =[
I’ve always hated Almond Joys too. Everytime I got one from trick-or-treating, I’d either throw it away or toss it sneakily into someone else’s bag when they weren’t looking.
sometimes u feel like a nut…
Then you need to meet my mom! She pretty much adores Almond Joys, and she prefers them over any other candy bar. I don’t mind them myself, but I’m more of a Snickers kind of guy.
it’s me. i love almond joy. dark chocolate, almond, and coconut are my favorite three things. put them together and it is heavenly!!! how can you not like almond joy? i don’t get it.
Fuck Almand Joys and everything they represent.
You need look no further than one or maybe both of my sisters. I loved mounds as a kid but had no taste for almond joy. I felt the same way about peanut M&Ms. To me, they were cruel adulterations of the originals. It’s funny when I think about it- I like chocolate, I like almonds and peanuts, but not in the combination like Almond Joy or Peanut M&Ms.I do like Snickers though.
omfg someone shares my hate for almond joys! seriously…I hate those. I also tried them every year if I got them in my trick or treating candies to see if perhaps I would like them now..hasn’t happened yet.
haha. ever heard of S&M? Hershey banks their almond joy sales on such ppl.
I love Almond Joys. Except for the almonds. So I really love Mounds. But since I’ll eat the almonds later anyway, I am a part of the problem and not the solution.In a mixed bowl/bag, there will never be a Mounds/Almond Joy left after I am done. But the only candy bar I’ll ever buy is a Snickers. Except for the occasional Twix when I’m all Snicker-ed out.Thousand Grand bar. Now there’s a bar that makes me want to puke. Talk about inedible. All that caramelly gooieness just traps all the vomit inside your mouth when you throw up/asphyxiate. I think they named it Thousand Grand bar because that’s how much they’d have to pay me to eat one.
@esch99 – You’re overestimating the value of that candy bar by a power of ten – it’s actually called the 100 Grand Bar. I can’t comment as to whether it’s as disgusting as you say. I don’t recall ever eating one.
OK, sO. I haven’t even read the entry yet because I’m exhausted.. HOWEVER.I *did* get as far as Almond SAD and..hahahahahahIHEARTYOU.
I love it with chocolates
I like almond joys…at least I did until I read this…”sweaty” looking coconut? I go barf now….
I don’t eat candy often, however I do like the texture of almond joys. It tastes good because the coconut offsets the bitter taste of the dark chocolate.
I can’t ever look at Pay Days the same way again. There was a bloody accident, so I ran to the first aid kit to get gauze and bandages. When I opened it up, there were nothing but Pay Days.WTF?
I like Almond Joy’s! I don’t eat candy much but I wouldn’t mind if those were in there. I’m not a fan of Red Hots or those spicy cinnamon candies though.
heh i’m a milky way girl 🙂
eeep. I’ve never tried almond joys and after reading this, I probably won’t ever try them.
Hahaha… awesome. I completely agree with you. Almond Joys are a poor excuse for a candy bar. They’re only slightly less bad than Mounds since I actually like almonds. I’m just not a big fan of overly sweetened shredded coconut. BLEH!!!
rofl lol hhhahahhahahaaHAHA I hate Almond Joys with a deep passionevery halloween those go straight to my brother :Dgood post.
Almond Joys are the worst candy ever. =/Fortunately, I can always give them to my brother. He LOVES Almond Joys. I’ve found the “you”!
Almond Joys are my favorite…. and i don’t care if you don’t like ’em… more for me!!!!
Good luck with your journey!
hahah @ the intial betrayal!sO good.. unlike almond joy AND mounds.ugh.
It’s not my absolute favorite, but I do like Almond Joy’s a lot. Sometimes, I even crave them. But it’s true, I think it’s sort of an acquired taste. I can see how it might turn lots of people off, but it’s all yummy to me. So I guess you found one of the people in the world who is keeping them stocked on shelves!
Awww… I actually like Almond Joy.
man i completely agree. almond joys have always been the bane of my halloween trick-or-treating existence
I hate coconut flavored candy… they’re so gay.
i like ’em. not crazy bout ’em but they’re alright.i love reese’s though. mmm…
I like almond joys! It’s not my favorite though. Love your posts you need to get a book out there. You remind me of the angry little girls series…=)
You have found your “you.” I am not lying when I say Almond Joys are one of my FAVORITE candies!!!!!! I also love Mounds too!!!!!! If I had a choice of candy to pick out in a candy lineup, it would be Almond Joys. I think it has to do with the sweetened coconut or something. I have always LOVED coconut (the real kind and the confection kind) and just blending it with nuts and chocolate and Mmmmmm!!! /droolYou must think so much less of me; please don’t!!! They have always been my favorite candy (along with my Mom’s). Any Hallmark holiday MUST include Almond Joys / Mounds. Halloween is the best – I give out the “icky” candy and leave the Almond Joys on the bottom so I can justify eating them. “Oh, we ran out of kids. Oh no, we have all these Almond Joys left over.. Hmmm”
I like them. But they’re not my favorite–that would have to go to Twix and then to Kit Kats. But you’re right–none of it’s FOOD. Food is meant to be nourishing and candy doesn’t do that. I’m glad to see that you’re still here, blogging. I’ve been lazy about getting over to Xanga.
Good luck – and take pictures. If you find this elusive Almond Joy lover, the rest of us might not believe it.
I would be more than happy to take those nightmarish concoctions off your hands!
Whats so great about almond joy? Snickers are the epitome of design….well, not really.
I’m the “you” inferred in the jingle…. I’m a non-discriminating lover of coconut and I willingly take the Almond Joys that are made orphans by my peers since no one else seems to like them except for me. I remember Halloween as a kid when me and my sister would go home and trade candies. Just 1 box of Nerds would get me all of her Almond Joys, so being the only lover of the Almond Joy, I was a happy camper. And I can totally relate to your attempt at re-trying it to see if it tasted any better as you aged, I do that every year when my friend in the UK sends me those terrible licorice candies that come in so many appealing colors but all have the same taste of crap.
My boyfriend and I love Almond Joys. Yum. There, you’ve found many now.
Yes, we go into a store and are STOKED when they are cheap. My boyfriend bought a whole box at Cost Co and ate them for breakfast until the box was gone. A little extreme but seriously, he likes them.
The picture alone is epic. 🙂
It might be the coconuts. I used to hate them when I was a kid. Now, I get those bite-sized ones which are actually quite okay.
I actually do like Almond Joy… but I’m not that guy. There will be no self-urination today.
love, Love, LOVE Almond Joy! I’m the nut … the big-foot … the gal with bad taste buds!I think they’re marvelous, and I’ve been known to eat an entire BAG of the mini kind in one afternoon.