Of all the possible types of advice a person can give to another, the process of giving relationship advice is the most time consuming—which is kind of weird, because most people usually only seek advice when they are on the verge of breaking up with their boyfriends or girlfriends. I mean, unless your friend is an attention whore, he won’t call you for advice after he gets into an argument with his girlfriend over how her recordings of “Millionaire Matchmaker” have taken up all the space in the DVR, because he knows that is way too trivial to bother anyone with. No, he’s going to call you up (and maybe Dr. Phil) after he sees his girlfriend on an episode of “Millionaire Matchmaker” trying to score a date with some pasty-ass pervert and his receding hairline, because that’s some f’d up sh*t. What your friend should be doing is shining the “Bat-Signal” into the sky, but he probably doesn’t have one so he’ll have to make do with talking to you.
A friend who calls you for advice already knows ahead of time that the only way to resolve his personal drama is to end the relationship. He also knows that’s what you are going to advise him to do. He’s just calling to make sure that’s the best solution, and not just some emotional decision he came up with after watching “Millionaire Matchmaker.”
I’m all for helping friends who are dealing with relationship drama, but my willingness is not unconditional. Specifically, when it comes to relationship advice, I limit my friends to one opportunity per relationship. That’s right: if you are seeing Person A, you get one chance to ask me for advice, and you won’t get another one until you start seeing Person B. I know that’s stingy but, as I said earlier, people only ask for advice when their relationships are pretty much over. What more advice could I possibly give you after I’ve said, “you need to breakup with him”?
The answer is “none,” and yet, I still have to deal with sh*t like this:
Hanging up on a friend in need may be harsh, but I don’t care. I hate giving relationship advice to someone I had already given advice to on a previous occasion. Actually, I hate giving out relationship advice, period, but I really, really, hate (think hate100) giving it to someone who is a Raggedy-Ass Relationship Advice Glutton, or Raggedy-Ass RAG.
A Raggedy-Ass RAG is someone who…who…okay, you know what? I’m going to honest here: I have spent the past three days trying to write a decent description of a Raggedy-Ass RAG, but I haven’t been able to come up with anything that was even remotely close to conveying how incredibly annoying these people are. They are the foulest beasts on the planet, and the only way I can explain them is by sharing with you one of my experiences in dealing with a member of their wretched kind.
I knew a Raggedy-Ass RAG who had been dating some douche bag she met while playing “Counter-Strike.” That was already a pretty crappy way to start a relationship, but it wasn’t enough of a red flag to make this girl realize he was a loser. She actually didn’t see anything wrong with him until he suddenly stopped answering her calls and canceled all the plans they’d made. His excuse was that he too busy working 20-hour days, seven days a week, to spend time with her—which was total crap because he worked for a company that collected recycled cans from those kiosks you see outside of supermarkets.
Clearly, this guy was cheating on her, and my Raggedy-Ass RAG friend knew it when she called me to get my opinion on how she should deal with a relationship that had made her increasingly unhappier.
It doesn’t matter whether your friend is male or female, young or old, gay or straight: all relationship-advice-conversations with a Raggedy-Ass RAG will follow a certain format. And let me tell you something: it is a testament to your patience if are able to survive having this conversation. It trumps standing in the non-appointment line at the DMV, going to a theme park on a weekend—I’m even willing to say it beats waiting for the “Breakfast Jack” you ordered at 10:00 p.m., which takes so long the drive-thru attendant sometimes tells me to park somewhere and wait (what’s up with that?). You must have super-human patience to withstand talking to a Raggedy-Ass RAG in need of relationship advice, or else you will find yourself beaten and broken in ten minutes.
For the first twenty to thirty minutes, the Raggedy-Ass RAG told me all the minute details of how she met her loser boyfriend—from the day they first noticed each other at the Internet Cafe to the present. This information was neither relevant nor particularly interesting, and I probably would have thrown myself over the balcony had I not been equipped with Balls of Titanium.
After the Raggedy-Ass RAG had finished with her introductory story, she spent the following two hours telling me every single problem she had with her boyfriend, repeating the ones she found most irritating two or three times. And I, in turn, responded with supportive comments and sympathy. Luckily, this wasn’t a situation where I had to pretend to feel sorry for her because she was complaining about stupid things, e.g. she hated the way he arranged his toiletries. A lot of the stories this girl told me were ones no one would want to experience in any relationship.
Once I got past the first two and a half hours, I spent the next hour giving her the only piece of advice there was: “you need to dump him.” After listening to her vent about her boyfriend for two and a half hours, do you think there was anything else I could suggest besides that? Hell no.
Okay, the act of telling this Raggedy-Ass RAG “you need to dump him” only took a few seconds—so why did I say I spent an hour? Because the fun part took that long…and by “fun part,” I mean “annoying part”…and by “annoying part,” I mean “the part of a relationship-advice-conversation that I hate most.” This is the reason why I limit my friends to one chance for advice per relationship—it’s because I cannot stand this thing a Raggedy-Ass RAG will do immediately after being told she should end her relationship. The moment I gave her the advice, this Raggedy-Ass RAG responded with, “but, he’s…” and started telling me all the things she felt made him the best boyfriend in the world. That’s right: after telling me why her boyfriend makes her unbearably miserable, after she had spent hours describing specific instances where her boyfriend had done something that made her resent their relationship, after she had practically written a script for me and my only line was, “you need to dump him,” she was now trying to come up with reasons why my advice was wrong. Dumping him was not an option, not even when I repeated verbatim every complaint she had made about her boyfriend. She insisted she was 100% sure he was really working 20-hours a day, and that whatever unhappiness she was feeling was because of her period.
I see, so you just took up three and a half hours of my time to figure out that you were only miserable because you, a Raggedy-Ass RAG, were on the rag? Eat a dick!
A few days later, the Raggedy-Ass RAG called me because she was suspicious that her boyfriend was lying about his work hours, and wanted relationship advice. She went through the typical relationship-advice-conversation format, and told me the exact same stories about her boyfriend; I told her “you need to dump him,” and she told me my advice was wrong. After that, I stopped answering my phone whenever she called.
Great, now I am irritated after remembering how annoying that girl was. Who else has a story about talking to a Raggedy-Ass RAG? I know all of you have at least one! I want to hear it!
absolutangel64 
I hate asking advices. It’s better if your friend asks you first what’s wrong. Story-telling comes next. It’s up to her if she wants to say something. I am not saying asking advices aren’t working. Friends can help but it’s you who really knows what to do.Thanks for sharing. 🙂 I salute you for having the patience to listen for like three hours. Wew.
im right with npr32486.. ive never been a Raggedy-Ass RAG…. *looks around uneasily* ..okay, enough. i feel like this post was written about ME……. i do just that, make the same mistakes over and over and overrrr again.. i never thought of how the people i told my story to must feel :Poopsieees..but i love him 😦
@the_relapse – Which is why shit happens the way it does now doesn’t it? I don’t blame you for loving your lover as I know love puts people on cloud nine, but if you’re letting love cloud your better judgment, get your head out your ass.I’m on the other end of this spectrum. I am constantly asked for relationship and dating advice. I’m a total fucking virgin who never got a girlfriend, and yet I’m the “go to guy”? Oddly enough, my advice (which I get from the sum of other, more experienced older people) tends to be solid and correct. Hell if I know why it is, but it is.I have a different M.O. and “fee” for my relationship advice: It’s free of charge and I’m more than willing to speak my two cents on a subject regardless of who is dating who x# of times. However, my breaking point is when the friend returns to a “bad” (violent) ex. Hey, she knew what would happen the last time she was there. She went back to that after getting out (something not a lot of women can do), then anything and everything that happens to her is on her. I’m done with stupid shit on that point. Most of my RAG stories stem from those types of nitwits; all of which ended in similar fashion: “Solve it yourself now!” “Dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo~”(phone reciever)But, there is both a supportive and an attacking end on your blog. I side with supporting you, but the other side isn’t wrong either.Supportive: Your defininition of an RAG is almost right though. Here’s what it is: Basically what you said; but they don’t listen to the advice, nor do they take you seriously. In other words, they need you to complain to because they’re either too weak to solve the problem themselves or they just need to vent to anybody else after the person had a bitter fight with the S.O. These are the same people who you find later on that this person will go on with their S.O. as if nothing had happened at all, like all conflicts were ignored. It’s not really something to be mad about though; as advice is no substitute for experience. You can warn them, but odds are you’ll get laughed off or ignored, so they hit the same predicament they were warned about. You can only say, “I told you so.” You have a right to be annoyed by people who seek your advice, but refute/rebute it when you tell them something they don’t want to hear. Just be sure that you are speaking with reasoning in your decision.Antagonistic: However, you are only one opinion. Even if you are correct in your ideas and reasoning, it’s up to the person whether or not he/she will listen to you. Besides, there may be the situation in which you were wrong. Nobody is the absolute word on anything and we may find that diamond in the rough where it doesn’t play out to the way we expect it to. When you think about it, they may be willing to try to save the relationship. Another cause may simply be the need of the opinion from the “outside factor” or the person to point out faults that they don’t see. Thirdly, there is that relationship high. Though I’ve never hit it personally, I’ve watched people in love be completely obvious to anything that anybody other than the S.O. says or does. Face it, heart trumps brain, even when heart is wrong.
P.S. regardless of my long-winded blog, I recommend this entry!
and who said all girls were mushy people who were all about feelings, rainbows and unicorns? :P
Haha, this is an excellent post- it made me laugh out loud.
REAL awesome post! i LOVEs it! i admitt that i have been like that to my advice giving friends but it’s usually about wondering if i should pursue the relationship. i WAS actually “best-friends” with this girl for quite some time though who was with her boyfriend for two years.she always came to me when her relationship was going downhill. i gave her the same advice each time she cried to me.each time she said, “i know but i just love him too much. i’m scared.”like seriously, what the fcuk? -_-now, she “CLAiMS” to be happily over him because she’s finally tired of his bullshit- AGAiN.i honestly believe that she’ll be stupid AGAiN and get back with him. i give it a few more weeks?
yeah…I’ve done this scenario so much…and I don’t understand why people act so shocked when I stop answering their calls. I can’t take another minute. I also love the conversations that include domestic abuse – those are twice as FUN, because the girl never listens as you are staring at her black and blue face and insisting she leave him before he kills her.
I just had to recommend, good post!
I totally get you.And I’m getting so sick and tired of giving people advice when it’s just gonna go in one ear and out the other.I’m just gonna have to care less and just not bother anymore.Then again, I’m too soft hearted so it all ends up in a cycle in the end. :@
I had a friend who had a long distance boyfriend that she always complained about. One time I invited her out to eat, but she was upset and said that she had just gone to the bathroom while her and her boyfriend were chatting on skype and he had yelled at her because she wasnt responding. He would always call her names and say how stupid he thought she was, and she’d cry about it to me. After telling her to dump him many many times (they only saw each other like 4 times tops anyway..), I eventually just said don’t cry to me anymore about it. Eventually their relationship ended, of course
sounds like she might be getting what she deserves?
Many people enjoy being the victim in hopeless circumstances. Our society rewards victims.You’re missing the best part of being a confidante, however, namely the opportunity to report the miserable story to your friend’s friends.You can ward off a second round by announcing from the outset your plan to repeat your friend’s cautionary tale to everyone and also write a derisive blog.
boy, I’m glad that I haven’t dealt with this kind of person….yet……..or have I?Oh right. I did yes.
gosh do i need help lol
lol omg finally someone that actually knows what im feeling
People can ask advice but they don’t have to take it. If the guy is a loser for playing counter-strike then what are you saying about your friend? If they guy isn’t hanging out with her, doesn’t mean he’s cheating on her. That’s assuming much. You only know that he’s not spending time with your friend. It seems like you must hate your friend a lot to call them Raggedy Ass Rag. On top of that hanging up on them. If she puts up with that from you it’s not a surprise she puts up with people that ignore her.
yeah i definitely have one raggedy ass RAG of a friend who actually ended up getting married when we all thought he should take a step back. oh well guess he can’t really ask for advice on breaking up anymore since he’s in it for the long haul. but what i really want to comment on is your use of the phrase “eat a dick”. that’s my favorite phrase to use on someone when i need to convey utter frustration and loathing. because i can’t think of anything worse than that. i think…. ”aww man, you want me to eat a dick? that sucks. you must be really mad at me. that’s a really mean thing to say.”