Five Things That Make You a Douche-Tastic Douche

by

I. You Refer to Yourself in the Third Person

There are two circumstances where referring to yourself in the third person is acceptable:

1. Your name is Elmo, and you live on Sesame Street, or

2. You are talking about your twin who came here from a parallel universe, and is a totally separate person completely independent from your physical and mental being.

Unless you fall under one of these two limited exceptions, any use of the third person narrative when talking about yourself automatically makes you a total douche.

And let’s not try to use the “it’s my defense mechanism” excuse because that’s straight-up raggedy. You act douchie as a defense? Against what? A sack of potatoes?

DouchevsPotatoSackSM

II. You Use Twitter

That’s right: if you use Twitter, you are a giant douche-tastic douche. You honestly believe people find your life so interesting that it warrants posting 140-characters worth of status updates every 10 minutes. I knew there was a reason why the word “twit” appears in “Twitter”!

Don’t take this the wrong way: I do see the need to keep the public informed of every minute detail of your existence…that is, if you’re the Dos Equis Man—the most interesting man in the world.

Unfortunately, you’re not the Dos Equis Man…you’re just a douche bag who uses Twitter.

Super Douche Baggery: you use your cell phone to post up-to-the-minute updates on what you’re doing.

III. You Use a Strategy Guide to Play Fantasy Sports

Playing fantasy sports is already an easy-way-out from playing actual sports. You just sit in front of your computer and manage your fantasy team. Sure, successful management means you might have to analyze player stats—but that requires you do to what? Watch ESPN? Read some sports articles?

Actually, you don’t even have to do any of that hard labor to rise to the top of your fantasy sports league. There are websites dedicated to making sure you have all the information necessary to beat all your coworkers and friends, while doing as little thinking as possible. All you have to do is pick the players for your dream team.

Considering how simple the Internet has made the task of managing a fantasy sports team, at the very least you should be able to pick some players. But if you can’t even do that, and must rely on a fantasy sports strategy guide to hand-feed you which players to pick, then you’re not just a douche—you’re also retarded.

IV. You Wear a Bluetooth Headset or Cell Phone Earpiece Even When You’re Not Taking a Call

People who wear their Bluetooth headsets even though they are not taking a phone call are douche-tastic douche bags. They probably think that wearing their headsets makes them look like they have really, really busy social and professional lives. But why would we think that when we can plainly see you’re not even talking to anyone? You just look like a douche bag who thinks that wearing a Bluetooth headset makes you look less douchie. Epic fail!

V. You Send Mass Messages to Everyone on Your Xanga Friends List

I’m sorry that this is on my list because I know a number of Xangans send mass messages on an almost weekly basis, and it really pains me to say their actions are at all douchie.

But! As a recipient of these mass mailings, I have no choice but to label the act of sending such spam as totally douche-tastic. Seriously, I receive at least one of these messages a day—and I know this because I log into my account for the sole purpose of deleting them from my inbox. I don’t even read them anymore because the ones I did take the time to view were either (1) pointless blabber, or (2) a bunch of inside jokes that only a few of the sender’s friends understood, and I wasn’t one of them.

If it is really that important, then you should send personalized messages to those you want to inform. If that’s not possible, then you should post it on your blog. Either way, you get your message across without having to resort to mass messages. And that ultimately means you avoid being douche-tastic—because sending spam mail to everyone on your Friends list is 100% douche-tastic. 

165 thoughts on “Five Things That Make You a Douche-Tastic Douche”

  9. Chedou, I wonder how many of your readers will actually take the two seconds necessary to actually figure the name out. While I see their value, I still can’t get over the fact that bluetooth headsets are completely douchie, regardless of whether or not they are i use.

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  17. I have to agree with all of this. Perhaps I’d make a rare exception to the mass messager on special circumstances, and only on a case-by-case basis. But, other than that, all of the items mentioned do make the offenders look like total douche nozzles. 

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  21. So I am guilty of IV a lot, but my phone can’t ring while I give exams.  Vibrate is not an option.  So my phone sits on silent most of the day.  Wearing my bluetooth at times for me is a must.  So, I am a Douche…I also wear my bluetooth while I am driving instead of holding a phone and crashing it to people and why bother to take it off of silent when it will ring in my ear on the way home.  Extra Douchey…When I get home, if I have to make/take a call, I can put on my bluetooth and wash dishes, fold laundry, cook, scrub toilets, and never give up a hand to hold a phone.  Super Extra Douchey….But I can also leave my cell phone and home and go off to the park with me boys and not give a crap that you can’t call me and disturb me on my time.I also leave my phone at night downstairs in the kitchen on silent so when you call to rant in the middle of the night my sleep is not disturbed by you.So I am Super Extra special fantastic Douchey guy because I use technology to make my life easier.LOL…

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  22. You need to modify IV since people should be wearing their Bluetooth headsets while in the car in case a call comes through.  I’d hate to get ticketed by a douche-baggy cop for picking up my phone to see who is calling and then be accused of texting while driving.

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  26. I agree with everything except for this: II. You Use TwitterIts not anyone else’ fault that you’re not interesting; time to let go of your rage of people who might be slightly more entertaining than yourself.

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  29. EXCELLENT POST. We like this. Would using the “royal we” qualify me, er, we for the douche-tastic list? As is, I don’t fall into any of those categories & I feel a little left out ;> 

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  32. @RunningMan42 – That was completely great…to the person who wrote it:Did you ever think that making the ultimate list of douche baggery make YOU kind of douchie too??hmm?? did you??? cuz it does. not gunna lie..

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  33. @RunningMan42 - It’s not the distraction of holding the phone that makes talking on the phone while driving dangerous. It’s the talking part. That law is rather ridiculous and pointless because you can still eat while driving, bite your fingernails, scratch your head (or other parts) and all of those things take your hand off the wheel the way a phone does. If lawmakers had any brains and wanted to make driving safer they’d have banned phone use period, and radio use, and doing anything else while driving.And yes, I think people who walk around with bluetooth earpieces look ridiculous, however, I would not try to deter anyone from using one if they want to.

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  34. I actually use Twitter… I’m slightly ashamed. But it’s sort of fun, and it’s actually really useful when you subscribe to various news type things. It’s a little easier to skim through than an RSS feed, too. But I can see how it could seem douchey. 

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  42. i agree w/ #4. that annoys the crap outta me. Especially when at sunday service and they automatically press that button to answer the phone call before even stepping outside!! ARGHH!! 

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  48. UGHHH, apparently, I’m, like, 2/5 a douche.  I hella refer to myself in the 3rd person, haha.  xP  Never, like, cocky-sounding, though.  Usually just messing around w/ my friends w/ my low self-esteem.  And I have a twitter….

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