Five Things That Make You a Douche-Tastic Douche

by

I. You Refer to Yourself in the Third Person

There are two circumstances where referring to yourself in the third person is acceptable:

1. Your name is Elmo, and you live on Sesame Street, or

2. You are talking about your twin who came here from a parallel universe, and is a totally separate person completely independent from your physical and mental being.

Unless you fall under one of these two limited exceptions, any use of the third person narrative when talking about yourself automatically makes you a total douche.

And let’s not try to use the “it’s my defense mechanism” excuse because that’s straight-up raggedy. You act douchie as a defense? Against what? A sack of potatoes?

DouchevsPotatoSackSM

II. You Use Twitter

That’s right: if you use Twitter, you are a giant douche-tastic douche. You honestly believe people find your life so interesting that it warrants posting 140-characters worth of status updates every 10 minutes. I knew there was a reason why the word “twit” appears in “Twitter”!

Don’t take this the wrong way: I do see the need to keep the public informed of every minute detail of your existence…that is, if you’re the Dos Equis Man—the most interesting man in the world.

Unfortunately, you’re not the Dos Equis Man…you’re just a douche bag who uses Twitter.

Super Douche Baggery: you use your cell phone to post up-to-the-minute updates on what you’re doing.

III. You Use a Strategy Guide to Play Fantasy Sports

Playing fantasy sports is already an easy-way-out from playing actual sports. You just sit in front of your computer and manage your fantasy team. Sure, successful management means you might have to analyze player stats—but that requires you do to what? Watch ESPN? Read some sports articles?

Actually, you don’t even have to do any of that hard labor to rise to the top of your fantasy sports league. There are websites dedicated to making sure you have all the information necessary to beat all your coworkers and friends, while doing as little thinking as possible. All you have to do is pick the players for your dream team.

Considering how simple the Internet has made the task of managing a fantasy sports team, at the very least you should be able to pick some players. But if you can’t even do that, and must rely on a fantasy sports strategy guide to hand-feed you which players to pick, then you’re not just a douche—you’re also retarded.

IV. You Wear a Bluetooth Headset or Cell Phone Earpiece Even When You’re Not Taking a Call

People who wear their Bluetooth headsets even though they are not taking a phone call are douche-tastic douche bags. They probably think that wearing their headsets makes them look like they have really, really busy social and professional lives. But why would we think that when we can plainly see you’re not even talking to anyone? You just look like a douche bag who thinks that wearing a Bluetooth headset makes you look less douchie. Epic fail!

V. You Send Mass Messages to Everyone on Your Xanga Friends List

I’m sorry that this is on my list because I know a number of Xangans send mass messages on an almost weekly basis, and it really pains me to say their actions are at all douchie.

But! As a recipient of these mass mailings, I have no choice but to label the act of sending such spam as totally douche-tastic. Seriously, I receive at least one of these messages a day—and I know this because I log into my account for the sole purpose of deleting them from my inbox. I don’t even read them anymore because the ones I did take the time to view were either (1) pointless blabber, or (2) a bunch of inside jokes that only a few of the sender’s friends understood, and I wasn’t one of them.

If it is really that important, then you should send personalized messages to those you want to inform. If that’s not possible, then you should post it on your blog. Either way, you get your message across without having to resort to mass messages. And that ultimately means you avoid being douche-tastic—because sending spam mail to everyone on your Friends list is 100% douche-tastic. 

165 thoughts on “Five Things That Make You a Douche-Tastic Douche”

  1. @danlang – it’s okay, people who don’t use twitter have no idea that you can use it for other than saying, “I’M WATCHING TV WITH MY CAT.”  I haven’t gotten into it yet, but I’ve seen the news feeds you can get, seen others use it for poetry, etc.  They just don’t know.  Condemning something you know absolutely nothing about? douche baggish.

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  3. this is a great list, particularly 2, 4, and 5. i hate it when im driving or walking around and i see the person in the car next to me is wearing a bluetooth. its worse when they are actually using it though cuz if they’re driving and take a call they dont pay attention and drive likes dumb fucks or if they’re walking around they say “hi” and you think they’re talking to you and then they get all pissy when you answer “what’s up?” damn blue tooths, quite possibly the worst invention in human history

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  6. @RunningMan42 – hahahahha. AGREED! I don’t get how wearing a bluetooth makes someone a “douche”. What’s dumb is how you would use the word DOUCHE when in actuality, it’s suppose to describe someone who’s a jerk or an asshole.so i guess wearing a bluetooth while NOT talking on the phone makes you a jerk… or an asshole or referring to yourself in the third person makes you a jerk or an asshole. ORRRR using twitter makes you a jerk or an asshole. I guess i’m a jerk and an asshole because i twitter and i wear my bluetooth when i’m not talking on the phone 😀

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  9. sniff sniff – I use the third person sometimes.  It’s b/c in Vietnamese there isn’t a simple “you” and “me/I” so I have to say “Thuy is going over to John’s house later” while speaking to John.but I’m not guilty of any of the others!

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  10. Guilty of Twitter, but only because there are people who like to read the inane babblings I post on it.  I don’t use it as seriously as most people do, more to just fuck with other Twits.Cell phone count is only because I have free texting and I think of insane shit when I’m not near my computer.  Plus, I have the time to type out a 140-character text with something like “I FUCKING HATE MAYONNAISE,” if only for boredom’s sake.

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  25. ROFLyou are right on the money with your douche bag definitions!!i agree completely!!ok recently you may or may not have heard about Hugh Jackman (wolverine guy) got his american assistant to do a “twit” and it turned out to be something like “having lunch at the opera CENTER”…seriously, who cares wat u are doing at every second of every day?if i ever twitted id do something like “currently doing a number 2 and reading Time magazine and if are reading this then you need to get a life”

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  27. This is really one of the dumbest list I ever read. How are doing these things consider people being a douche?!I can understand bout the twitter thing, but basically what you’re saying is people are being douches for the dumbest things!People who talk in third person, ISN’T as bad. On Facebook, I talk in third person. Just because it looks better.Does that make me a douche? seriously. That’s retarded.

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  30. Heh.Here are my FIVE THINGS THAT MAKE THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG POST A DOUCHE-TASTIC DOUCHE.1. Some people do refer to themselves as a third person. No, I haven’t done this. But so what? I see it as something creative. Betcha you couldn’t do it because you’re too scared to think outside your box. Meh. I’m not scared. I could talk about some alien twin who went to the moon and back and still be cool no matter what anyone thinks.2. Twitter. I’ve been trying to decide whether I should go into it or not. As of now, I still haven’t. But that doesn’t mean those who are using Twitter are called “twits”. If you’re calling Ashton Kutcher a twit, you’re out of your mind. Besides, here’s a newsflash, lady: Pulse here in Xanga is = to Twitter. It’s just the same contraption that people use to tell people around the world about the details of their existence. Its just that, Xanga calls it “Pulse” instead of Twitter.3. Strategy Guide for Playing Fantasy Sports. Lady, I’ve been known as the cynical person here in Xanga, but goodness, you’re way more cynical than me. Heh. But I don’t like it. You’re way too cooped out in your own PATHETIC world to even come up with something other than THIS blog entry. Who doesn’t want to get better, whether it is a real sport or an online one? Are you against making yourself better at any game? My, what a LOSER.4. Wearing a Headset even when not taking a call. Obviously, you’re JUST JEALOUS. I don’t have a bluetooth headset or anything like that, but I see no reason why people should be called douches for using those even when they’re not taking calls. That’s even TOLERABLE than wearing burkas. Really.5. You send mass messages to everyone in your Xanga List. So, what? I usually ignore them. But if the mass message comes from someone I’m close to, I’d click on it and read. You’re ticked off that people are sending mass messages? I’d rather be ticked off by the SPAM I get every time I look into my yahoo e-mail inbox. They’re just loads and loads of adverstising slogans, NOT from real people. Sending mass messages is annoying, but again, tolerable.You are dismissed. You can’t top off my pure wit, I dare say.

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  32. yeah people wear blue tooths all the time so they dont have to dig around for the piece or phone..and i have a twitter, update once a day.its just like the status update on myspace or facebook.way to be a douche judger.

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  42. Heh, there’s this girl that’s a regular in our bar that refers to herself in the 3rd person.  One night a friend of mine is mocking her, referring to himself in the 3rd person.  She was sitting not far away.”Tony, why the hell are you doing that?  You sound like an idiot””Tony doesn’t think so””Listen, only people without a personality and nothing worth saying refer to themselves in the third person.””Tony thinks you’re wrong”It went on like that for a couple of minutes.  Since then, I haven’t really spoken to that girl at all.Not really missing it either

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  48. This is a fantastic post; truly a chronicle of great acts of douchebaggery! Would that more folks took matters into their own hands and proclaimed without fear the doings of douche bags.Hear hear!

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