I. You Refer to Yourself in the Third Person
There are two circumstances where referring to yourself in the third person is acceptable:
1. Your name is Elmo, and you live on Sesame Street, or
2. You are talking about your twin who came here from a parallel universe, and is a totally separate person completely independent from your physical and mental being.
Unless you fall under one of these two limited exceptions, any use of the third person narrative when talking about yourself automatically makes you a total douche.
And let’s not try to use the “it’s my defense mechanism” excuse because that’s straight-up raggedy. You act douchie as a defense? Against what? A sack of potatoes?
II. You Use Twitter
That’s right: if you use Twitter, you are a giant douche-tastic douche. You honestly believe people find your life so interesting that it warrants posting 140-characters worth of status updates every 10 minutes. I knew there was a reason why the word “twit” appears in “Twitter”!
Don’t take this the wrong way: I do see the need to keep the public informed of every minute detail of your existence…that is, if you’re the Dos Equis Man—the most interesting man in the world.
Unfortunately, you’re not the Dos Equis Man…you’re just a douche bag who uses Twitter.
Super Douche Baggery: you use your cell phone to post up-to-the-minute updates on what you’re doing.
III. You Use a Strategy Guide to Play Fantasy Sports
Playing fantasy sports is already an easy-way-out from playing actual sports. You just sit in front of your computer and manage your fantasy team. Sure, successful management means you might have to analyze player stats—but that requires you do to what? Watch ESPN? Read some sports articles?
Actually, you don’t even have to do any of that hard labor to rise to the top of your fantasy sports league. There are websites dedicated to making sure you have all the information necessary to beat all your coworkers and friends, while doing as little thinking as possible. All you have to do is pick the players for your dream team.
Considering how simple the Internet has made the task of managing a fantasy sports team, at the very least you should be able to pick some players. But if you can’t even do that, and must rely on a fantasy sports strategy guide to hand-feed you which players to pick, then you’re not just a douche—you’re also retarded.
IV. You Wear a Bluetooth Headset or Cell Phone Earpiece Even When You’re Not Taking a Call
People who wear their Bluetooth headsets even though they are not taking a phone call are douche-tastic douche bags. They probably think that wearing their headsets makes them look like they have really, really busy social and professional lives. But why would we think that when we can plainly see you’re not even talking to anyone? You just look like a douche bag who thinks that wearing a Bluetooth headset makes you look less douchie. Epic fail!
V. You Send Mass Messages to Everyone on Your Xanga Friends List
I’m sorry that this is on my list because I know a number of Xangans send mass messages on an almost weekly basis, and it really pains me to say their actions are at all douchie.
But! As a recipient of these mass mailings, I have no choice but to label the act of sending such spam as totally douche-tastic. Seriously, I receive at least one of these messages a day—and I know this because I log into my account for the sole purpose of deleting them from my inbox. I don’t even read them anymore because the ones I did take the time to view were either (1) pointless blabber, or (2) a bunch of inside jokes that only a few of the sender’s friends understood, and I wasn’t one of them.
If it is really that important, then you should send personalized messages to those you want to inform. If that’s not possible, then you should post it on your blog. Either way, you get your message across without having to resort to mass messages. And that ultimately means you avoid being douche-tastic—because sending spam mail to everyone on your Friends list is 100% douche-tastic.
absolutangel64 
lol at this list
yeah, twitter? what’s all the hype about?
oh the last one could have been replaced with something waaaaay better. But the rest were great. just think of Spencer when trying to describe a douche.
Yea, those people who wear bloetooth are somewhat annoying,,
i kinda miss xanga and i kinda don’t. i do miss reading your entries. you have a special brand of humor. think i’ll do some spring cleaning on my subs and set up some e-mail notifications. keep on being strange and beautiful.
Dwayne “Can you smell what THE ROCK is cooking” Johnson – oh jeez what an extreme 3rd person douche.Cheating on Fantasy sports!? What the hell is the frickin point!?#Mass messages get right up my nose. Especially those ones begging you to read their latest “amazing” post! Epic epic fail, loser douche faces. Psht
the mass messages are NUMBER ONE on my list. hate them. and i’m not having anything to do with Twitter. i already follow peoples’ lives on Facebook, and that can be painful enough.
According to this list, not only an I not a douchetastic douche, I’m not a douche at all! Yay me!
Fantastic blog! I concur on every point!
stuartandabby approves of this. I’ll alert the twitter bots shortly.
If using Twitter makes people douches, does blogging on Xanga do too?Both are public updates, assuming that people will find your life interesting.
I couldn’t agree with you more. Burka wearing douch bags!
Amen to the bluetooth headsets. Our society has gotten to the point where social skills are quickly deteriorating. As a retail worker, I am going to take this as an opportunity to say this: when you walk into a store or up to a register wearing your bluetooth or holding a cell up to your ear, completely ignoring the salesperson or cashier, don’t then get suddenly frustrated when you a)feel like some part of the transaction has gone amiss or b) feel slighted when you finally decide you are in the mood to be helped and we didn’t snap to attention quick enough for you. Guess what? We were a)helping customers who were willing to be interacted with and b) ifyou were too busy taking that call about who was wearing what and blah blah blah to forget to tell me you had a coupon — OOPS.Seriously, I care about customer service, but I am sick to death of pompous, self important douches with no social skills or common sense.
The bit about the Dos Equis Man “Most interesting man in the world” made me LOL.
I am not a douche…
#6 you still use roman numerals
A good label for you would be…….FEATUREIFFIC! =)
agreed! although… twitter is getting so pervasive that even the dalai lama has one 😦
I am guilty for having a twitter account. But I for one don’t update using my phone. My contract sucks :p
This Top 5 list is flawed…or at least incomplete and inaccurate. We all know a douche bag when we see one. To say “if you have a Twitter account, you are a douche bag” is seriously deranged.
You might add weights to each act of douchebaggery. For example, a guy does ‘the shocker’ when having his/her picture taken gets 9 points of douche or the twitter thing might be a 5. Then, in general any person with over 10 could be considered a douche. Also, they would have a method of evaluating themselves to see if they have improved over a period of time.
hahaha this is great :3
You forgot people who don’t use turn signals.
How about guys who add Asian girls as friends on xanga, facebook and myspace just because they are Asian girls? Gotta get em all!By the way, subscribed, and FRIENDED!
twitter…i AGREE!!!!!!!!!
I hate those douches who mass message to inform that they just updated their sites. As if we can’t see it via our universal inbox.
Really?
None of them apply to me. [=
agreed! the twitter and the spamming gotsta go!
lmfao! AGREED!*
You Blithering Twit!Malcom is not happy. Not happy at all. =_=Of course, my name’s not Malcom, so shove it up your ass. You know what really makes you look like a douche? Thinking so hard about what makes someone a douche. Malcome is like, laughing. Really hard. Douche. O.oYeah. Funny post. Whatever. I think my brain just exploded.
@OperationOpenmind – hehe that sounds a bit british. “oh americans are such twittering twits” haha
ha douche is gonna be my new favorite word
LOL Don’t care! I twit all I want! 😀 Better than youu!
lmaoooHey peope dont get offended because of the twitter thing. This is funny dont take shit so serious. Then you just look like a twittering douchetastic douche.Wonderful job 😀
hahahahahahahaha
I am guilty of tweeting.
lols. right on.
hooray, my douche bag radar has increased its accuracy by 85% thanks to your blog! fun stuff!
I don’t know if this counts, but I call myself “Elmo.” When I’m fantasizing. I pretend beautiful women enjoy tickling me.
haha good list.I have to admit I use twitter though.
Yesssss I’m 0/5. Twitter is doucherrific. However I do wish my name was Elmo. Not to be able to do reason #1 (if I wanted that I would just make my name Mr. T), but because something tells me tons of girls would want to date a guy named Elmo. But I could be wrong.
truely true. except for the third person part. i’d have to disagree
@xxRadiantEclipse – No, I wasn’t offended. Did you think I was? Wow. People can’t figure me out! Weee! I stumped ya!I wasn’t offended. I’m pissed off. Because the lady who wrote this blog post is….OFFENDED and JEALOUS that other people use Twitter, or that people do use bluetooth headphones or whatever and that other people can beat her in online games (because they have strategies) or that some people send mass messages.And I don’t like this post to be on featured. There’s nothing really exceptional about it. I’ve always wanted the Xanga Team to feature blogs that are exceptional, not whiny posts.And anyway….I got a little information from a famous Xanga blogger who said that the creator of Twitter used to work at Xanga. So….to anyone who hates Twitter, I’ll say you’re hating a part of Xanga.
Oh please…YOU talking about fantasy sports? HAH! I laugh.
I’m not worthy to gaze upon your beauty How I got mesmerize for seeing such delicate lotus.If my heart was a rose I gave it to you.
Liz likes to refer to herself in third person sometimes… I mean, I like to refer to myself in third person… hahaha. this post is lame, just using the word douche like this. xD but thats okay. you tried to be funny… so did I… both utter failures… tskk.
LOL wow, I’m kinda surprise I don’t do any of those things. I don’t even twitter. I just don’t understand the point of twittering if you have facebook. Unless you’re doing something extremely interesting or important with your life, no one cares. Not even your friends, or family for that matter.
I disagree with number 4. Some people wear their bluetooth headsets incase they get a call and they are unable to use their hands of the cell phones, like when driving.
Great post!