I. You Refer to Yourself in the Third Person
There are two circumstances where referring to yourself in the third person is acceptable:
1. Your name is Elmo, and you live on Sesame Street, or
2. You are talking about your twin who came here from a parallel universe, and is a totally separate person completely independent from your physical and mental being.
Unless you fall under one of these two limited exceptions, any use of the third person narrative when talking about yourself automatically makes you a total douche.
And let’s not try to use the “it’s my defense mechanism” excuse because that’s straight-up raggedy. You act douchie as a defense? Against what? A sack of potatoes?
II. You Use Twitter
That’s right: if you use Twitter, you are a giant douche-tastic douche. You honestly believe people find your life so interesting that it warrants posting 140-characters worth of status updates every 10 minutes. I knew there was a reason why the word “twit” appears in “Twitter”!
Don’t take this the wrong way: I do see the need to keep the public informed of every minute detail of your existence…that is, if you’re the Dos Equis Man—the most interesting man in the world.
Unfortunately, you’re not the Dos Equis Man…you’re just a douche bag who uses Twitter.
Super Douche Baggery: you use your cell phone to post up-to-the-minute updates on what you’re doing.
III. You Use a Strategy Guide to Play Fantasy Sports
Playing fantasy sports is already an easy-way-out from playing actual sports. You just sit in front of your computer and manage your fantasy team. Sure, successful management means you might have to analyze player stats—but that requires you do to what? Watch ESPN? Read some sports articles?
Actually, you don’t even have to do any of that hard labor to rise to the top of your fantasy sports league. There are websites dedicated to making sure you have all the information necessary to beat all your coworkers and friends, while doing as little thinking as possible. All you have to do is pick the players for your dream team.
Considering how simple the Internet has made the task of managing a fantasy sports team, at the very least you should be able to pick some players. But if you can’t even do that, and must rely on a fantasy sports strategy guide to hand-feed you which players to pick, then you’re not just a douche—you’re also retarded.
IV. You Wear a Bluetooth Headset or Cell Phone Earpiece Even When You’re Not Taking a Call
People who wear their Bluetooth headsets even though they are not taking a phone call are douche-tastic douche bags. They probably think that wearing their headsets makes them look like they have really, really busy social and professional lives. But why would we think that when we can plainly see you’re not even talking to anyone? You just look like a douche bag who thinks that wearing a Bluetooth headset makes you look less douchie. Epic fail!
V. You Send Mass Messages to Everyone on Your Xanga Friends List
I’m sorry that this is on my list because I know a number of Xangans send mass messages on an almost weekly basis, and it really pains me to say their actions are at all douchie.
But! As a recipient of these mass mailings, I have no choice but to label the act of sending such spam as totally douche-tastic. Seriously, I receive at least one of these messages a day—and I know this because I log into my account for the sole purpose of deleting them from my inbox. I don’t even read them anymore because the ones I did take the time to view were either (1) pointless blabber, or (2) a bunch of inside jokes that only a few of the sender’s friends understood, and I wasn’t one of them.
If it is really that important, then you should send personalized messages to those you want to inform. If that’s not possible, then you should post it on your blog. Either way, you get your message across without having to resort to mass messages. And that ultimately means you avoid being douche-tastic—because sending spam mail to everyone on your Friends list is 100% douche-tastic.
absolutangel64 
AGREED WITH THE TWITTER ONE 100%!I will never see the point in one of those and hope that I never give in to getting one.
The BLUETOOTH thing is totally right on……I love it when im in the cafeteria and sales guys are eating lunch with their stupid matching head set in
I use Twitter but I don’t update it a whole lot nor do I care who “follows” me. I do know some friends that are douches about it but I don’t consider myself one of them. Oh well to anyone who thinks otherwise :]
i’m a douche! i twit…although rarely.
Exception to rule 1… They (whoever they are) say you should not use pronouns when speaking to your infant, therefore I refer to myself as Mommy. i.e. “Okay Lydia, Mommy is going to change Lydia’s diaper.” Nah… you’re right. I do sound like a douche… lol
there’s a lot douches cuz everyone is twittering nowadays. I’ve been a happy twitter douche for a year. otherwise your list is perfect.
good thing i dont do any of the above 🙂
ahh, i totally agree with number one and the one about the headset.
i use twitter mostly to post interesting things i think about. or interesting bits of information. or weird or funny things that happened. it’s just quicker to make note of it first on twitter, then blog about it later.you can say, twitter is a place to store ideas?
So thats what twitter is, huh? WOW, I had no clue until I read this blog. I don’t use twitter. You’re art work is lovely.
ouch, i pass the first test; i used third person on facebook all the time.. it’s not my fault facebook starts off with “my name” (if i want to share something).. if i used first person, it’s just not even consistent..and although i didn’t pass the second test; i’m pretty sure twitter is the same as facebook… i ain’t rich enough yet to afford a berry or iphone; but i still update my facebook with what i plan to do that day and possible what i did the day before..ouch, i think i passed the third test too; as a matter of fact, i do play fantasy sports.. but hey, it’s a social thing, i don’t care if i win or lose.. or wait, maybe i do.. obviously the whole point of investing our time in the research is to win at the end.. but then again, it really depends on how much the pot is.. but hey, just because i play fantasy sports, doesn’t mean i don’t like playing real sports.. as a matter of fact, i love sports, to death actually.. =Pdamn~ i’m hitting the spot, i passed the fourth test too.. damn~ i think it’s actually more convenient than trying to pick pocket the headset out just to listen to the call.. by the time you’ve taken out your headset, you’ve probably:a. missed the callb. already finished with the callc. dropped the headsetd. look retarded for fishing out your headsetso hey, it’s actually more convenient by leaving it in the ear.. with my phone, when it rings, it rings in the headset, but i can’t hear it ring on the phone.. so if i don’t have it on, i probably didn’t know somebody called me…but luckily, i failed the last test miserably.. F haha.. i don’t like spam, nor do i send them… overall, i guess, i’m on the douche-tastic douche side of the spectrum..
All I can say is that I agree with all of these. I have been in a sport fantasy league, but I end up not even paying attention to what my team is doing and lose. It’s truly not my forte…but friends invite me so I play for the fun of it. I prefer playing the sport. I have been in a bowling league, on a darts team, shoot pool, play organized softball and get the beach volleyball games started when most people are just tanning. 🙂
Point V is the epitome of doucheness! cheers!
I’ve never even looked into twitter, nor have I had any interest in it whatsoever, but somehow I know exactly what it is. And yes, I totally agree with you. CNN has their own Twitter? http://rhettandlink.xanga.com/701540675/red-house-amp-rhett-on-cnn/
So I make a woman’s vagina smell like a summer’s eve ?