If you’ve ever been in a name-calling battle, then you know that the key to beating your opponent is having a talent for quick and reflexive thinking. And if you’ve been regularly reading my blog, then you also know that I have no talent whatsoever for such quick or reflexive thinking.
Considering my lack of on-the-fly-thinking skills, you’d probably assume I would totally suck in a name-calling battle—an assumption that is well supported by many, many horrifying and embarrassing experiences I’ve had throughout my life.
Surprisingly, however, I am happy to say that as far as name-calling battles are concerned, I’m somewhat of a quick-and-reflexive-thinking savant. I guess it’s the excitement of verbally beating on someone who is trying to do the same to me, or because I keep a mental note of these comeback insults I’d come up with after hours of brainstorming like degrading others via (1) making them feel bad by hurling a witty insult into their faces, and (2) making them feel dumb because my insult was better than theirs. Whatever the reason may be, I’ve won a decent 3 out of the 4 name-calling battles I’ve been in.
The art of gracious winning, on the other hand, is still a work in progress.
Ah well, the satisfaction of winning a name-calling battle is definitely something you should experience at least once in your lifetime.
The 3 battles I’ve won were those where I was clearly the victor. The outcome of the last one, however, is not as clear. I think it should count as a win towards my record, but others have disagreed. You be the judge:
And then of course:
Personally, I think calling someone a kraken kicks total ass. First of all, it’s completely original. Most people go with the oh-so-typical arsenal of cuss words, and then try to mix-and-match them as if that will somehow make up a new word and garner them more points. At least by calling someone a kraken, the sea monster of yore, I’m showing that creativity exists in my thought process.
Secondly, krakens look like this:
Granted, the only kraken I’ve ever seen was the one in the Super NES game “Earthbound,” but still: you can’t deny that they are fugly as all hell. Therefore, calling someone a “kraken” is a bona fide insult that totally trumps calling someone a “b*tch,” and I should have won the battle for that.
Now, those who disagreed with me have argued that I don’t get points for using a word the other person doesn’t know the meaning of. They also feel that calling someone a kraken is not insulting—it’s just weak.
So I’m taking to my blog and asking for your input: who gets the win?
absolutangel64 
i remember in third grade two girls were going at it… one called the other a slut, and then that girl called the first one a camel. I still laugh about that 15 years later.
You win, no doubt. Why should you have to dumb yourself down for an insult? If anything, it’s a double whammy when you’re original AND the other person’s intelligence is insulted.
@TheGiantSlayer – HAHAHAHAHAI’m going to use that next time!
Everybody loses. Civilization ends. Join me in welcoming the nukes. . . . or, you know, maybe it’s just an argument.
I remember someone started insulting me during high school and I came right back at them, dropping a couple f-bombs along with a monkey and something or other, and that shut them right up because they weren’t expecting a retort out of me. beware the quiet ones, they’ll eat you for breakfast in a name-calling battle.as for your situation, you get style points for calling him a kraken, but it really just becomes a draw since he didn’t know what it was and you had to explain it.
I called someone a whoregoblin the other day and told them to shut their trap. Mind you I was smiling sweetly the whole time. That wasn’t a battle though. I was just being…”nice”.
i thought kraken were giant squid…
hee hee
Okay, I’ll be seeing the most annoying classmate tomorrow. I shall store away such names as kraken, Einherjarl, and Nidhogg, for use when I finally snap and insult him.”Would you please shut your malfeasant gobhole, you pathetic Einherjarl?” or, “Either eat your breakfast and leave me in peace, or go to Tartarus, actually, go to Tartarus anyway, then I WILL get peace!”
I usually reply with something stupid like “your mama!” Then I get a look of confusion, and they usually walk away. I’m not one to insult someone else. I don’t like confrontation I guess.
Sometimes I’ll throw a quick witted comeback out so fast that I won’t even realize what I said untill I register the look of shock on their faces. Shock is a clear sign of win.
Because you incorporated an earth bound related mark you definition win in my book. But you would have scored even higher if you called him a “new age retro hippy” or a “lovesick mustard seed.” Why are you taking so long to make a comeback do you need to read a book about overcoming shyness?Don’t make me get a baseball bat and make you become tame!Okay I remember that game too well.-Alexander the Zounderkite
The jig of awesomeness tipped it in your favor!@TheGiantSlayer – That made me laugh and I don’t even know them!
I suck at it. My feelings get hurt.
You won. Naturally. 😉
I either have too much to say or nothing at all.
Hahahaha! I think I’ve said this before, but your illustrations always make the post that much better.I thought the kraken was a giant squid? In any case, it certainly was original. I suck at name calling games; I actually haven’t been involved in one ever, I don’t think. Good thing too, I’d probably just stammer incoherently.
Bringing up sea lore? WIN!
Kraken is often depicted as an Octopus but was most likely a sailor seeing a giant squid. btw love the Jig of Awesomeness lol…amazing illustrations
Your blogs always make me laugh. And props for the Earthbound reference ;}
PSH you win of course. hearing someone say arse or betch all the time is like hearing “ummmmmmmmm……….” It’s said so often that you start to ignore it.Now, kraken is so original that your mind just has to dwell on it :)As a side note, this emo guy and my friend were name calling and he dished out the regular cabinet of obscenities and she just sat there. When he was done, she screamed GROW UP YOU LITTLE CANCER BABY [it’s kinda >-< random…. but for somereason I found it hilarious]
if the other person doesn’t understand the word, then you establish your linguistic superiority and you are clearly the victor in my books! calling someone kraken is not weak. it’s freaking genius! you are my hero for the day!
the drawings alone deserve a recommend. but you’re a damned clever insulor too. (weird as it is, that last sentence was a compliment.)
Hahahaha I love it! You win! Yeah, I scrolled back up to bask in your awesomeness ^___^.I adore your posts! LOL I’m gonna re-read this tomorrow and it will be like, brand new again hahahaha.
I love it tooIn an arguement with my boyfriend i call him alll sort, none of it makes sense but i feel like I win so that all that mattersLolLove the blog by the way. Think its awesome.
Kraken alone does not win, but freakin kraken does, with its cadence and approximate rhyme. Just keep in mind that if you try to pull more insults out of ancient mythology and/or D&D manuals, you will risk diluting your success. Your kraken illustration is a little on the friendly side, I thought – needs more Godzilla and less Puff.Another hella funny post!
I love doing the jig of awesomeness!
I’d rule it a No Contest. Part of a complete victory is shaming the person so that they know they’ve been pwned. Also, he didn’t really get to fling shit at you, alltogether a pretty short exchange.
Haha, I’m totally going to call someone a Kraken now…
Kraken is good…
Very amusing, thanks.
I love your illustrations! :] And it isn’t your fault the other person didn’t know what a kraken is. You should totally have won. xD
Hahaha, kraken. XD
i prefer the basics like “you’re a doodyhead”. or the rubber vs glue based “no YOU’RE a $#*&^”. both of which show just what a master you are. the first being like the guy who is so badass that he can beat down his opponent with one finger, the latter using their own strength against them. either way, you show that your name-fu is not to be triffled with.
YOU WINAnd I am crap at all arguements whether they be biotch ones or sensible theological ones. I lack the ability to win -_-‘
Uhhh….errr…. right?First time I’ve read your stuff, I like the illustrated storyline. And the picture of the Kraken.
oh my gosh that was the funniest thing i have read all day!! ahahha (:i liked it in my stumble 😉
You totally win. :DWhen someone insults me through the internet I will usually just say “lulz”. You don’t necessarily win (no one does, that’s the beauty of the situation) but it makes them really angry.
The cartoons made this awesome. Thanks for the laugh
my choice of weapon for a name calling battle is “Slytherin.” A dirty, rotten Slytherin.
Do you pronounce it Krae – ken, with a long a, or Kra-cken, with a short a, as in cracker? My answer depends on yours.
hi….
You win for the jig of awesomeness. Anyone that has the “balls” to do a touchdown dance after throwing out an insult is a “win” in my book.Unfortunately for me, I usually lose such name-callingbattles. I’ve never been able to remember an adequate list of good “yomama” jokes.
thats some funny shit. lol
Score.
Calling somebody a Kraken isn’t really an insult. They’re monsters that rip ships apart and kill people. That’s actually pretty awesome. So you were complimenting him. Moted! (I’m trying to bring that back. Does anybody else use moted anymore?)
You definitely win. hehe
Haha, classic…well, you only lose if you explain it too them…if you just laugh at them remarking how sad it is that they have such a limited vocabulary, then you win…sometimes it’s not what you say, it’s simply how you say it.
hahahaha… i actually laughed out loud. hmm.. you haven’t seen the Pirates of the Caribbean? there’s a kraken in there.
Go you, you have flair! Point, you! Although, from the Dungeons and Dragons I played when I was younger, a Kraken was a giant squid-like monster.