absolutangel64

If you’ve ever been in a name-calling battle, then you know that the key to beating your opponent is having a talent for quick and reflexive thinking. And if you’ve been regularly reading my blog, then you also know that I have no talent whatsoever for such quick or reflexive thinking.

Considering my lack of on-the-fly-thinking skills, you’d probably assume I would totally suck in a name-calling battle—an assumption that is well supported by many, many horrifying and embarrassing experiences I’ve had throughout my life.

Surprisingly, however, I am happy to say that as far as name-calling battles are concerned, I’m somewhat of a quick-and-reflexive-thinking savant. I guess it’s the excitement of verbally beating on someone who is trying to do the same to me, or because I keep a mental note of these comeback insults I’d come up with after hours of brainstorming like degrading others via (1) making them feel bad by hurling a witty insult into their faces, and (2) making them feel dumb because my insult was better than theirs. Whatever the reason may be, I’ve won a decent 3 out of the 4 name-calling battles I’ve been in.

The art of gracious winning, on the other hand, is still a work in progress.

Ah well, the satisfaction of winning a name-calling battle is definitely something you should experience at least once in your lifetime.

The 3 battles I’ve won were those where I was clearly the victor. The outcome of the last one, however, is not as clear. I think it should count as a win towards my record, but others have disagreed. You be the judge:

And then of course:

Personally, I think calling someone a kraken kicks total ass. First of all, it’s completely original. Most people go with the oh-so-typical arsenal of cuss words, and then try to mix-and-match them as if that will somehow make up a new word and garner them more points. At least by calling someone a kraken, the sea monster of yore, I’m showing that creativity exists in my thought process.

Secondly, krakens look like this:

Granted, the only kraken I’ve ever seen was the one in the Super NES game “Earthbound,” but still: you can’t deny that they are fugly as all hell. Therefore, calling someone a “kraken” is a bona fide insult that totally trumps calling someone a “b*tch,” and I should have won the battle for that.

Now, those who disagreed with me have argued that I don’t get points for using a word the other person doesn’t know the meaning of. They also feel that calling someone a kraken is not insulting—it’s just weak.

So I’m taking to my blog and asking for your input: who gets the win?