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Last week, I learned something very, very important:

If you are going to criticize someone for being a dumbass, you need to make sure you aren’t a dumbass yourself.

A very special person taught me this, and in honor of her teachings I will share the experience with the rest of you so that you may also learn this lesson of life.

So I’ve been battling a swarm of tiny bugs that have been flying around my kitchen for the past few weeks. At first, I didn’t really mind them much because they had confined themselves to a small area around my garbage can, but I became less tolerant when I noticed they had started hanging out on my cat’s canned food. And then I found larvae squirming around in the trash. Yes, larvae–the insect world’s way of saying, “Turf War, b*tch!” The fight was on, and it would prove to be a battle of epic proportions. It was Good versus Weevil…even though there weren’t any weevils involved, and I only wrote that because “Good versus Weevil” sounded a lot cooler than “Good verses Small, Brownish, Flying Bug.”

Anyway, I wanted to get rid of the flying bugs and their disgusting worm babies as fast as possible, but I didn’t want to just go out and buy a can of Raid without figuring out what the bugs actually were. Considering the variety of insecticide formulas available, and how each one targets a specific group of insect, I wanted to make sure I bought the right one for my particular bug problem. Unfortunately, my search on “small brown flying bug eat cat food” wasn’t very helpful, so I turned to a different place for answers: “Yahoo! Answers.”

Here’s the question I posted:

Your-Open-Question

I received a number of helpful responses within minutes, but I found one person’s answer particularly interesting:

ColoradoMoon

I was really surprised to receive such a rude response. I’d only ever seen them on questions about high school drama like, “I’m 13, but I really want to have a baby. Should I get pregnant?” or, “I’m graduating from high school soon, but I hate going to class. Would it be a good idea for me to just drop out and get a job?” It never occurred to me that someone would feel the need to write a douche bag answer to a question about flying bugs.

You know what else didn’t occur to me? That someone could actually fail at writing a douche bag answer. Talk about pathetic: this person was trying to dump on me for being a dumbass, but was too dumb to pull it off. It’s such an amazing feat of failure that I must pick it apart, broken sentence by broken sentence.

FLEAS GENIUS get flea spray and spray it everywere

Why, of course! Here I was, wasting all my time wondering what these little flying bugs were when it was so obvious that they were fleas! But being that I’m a dumbass and all, I assumed those bugs weren’t fleas—you know, since fleas are wingless insects, and the creatures in my apartment were flying around. You, however, are a genius! And your genius power helped you realize that fleas were capable of aerospace engineering, and that my apartment hadn’t been infiltrated by a swarm of winged insects, but by fleas wearing hi-tech mechanical wings.

Fleadom

Note: I love how she b*tches at me for being stupid, but then spells “everywhere” incorrectly. Those tricky silent H’s!

i got these great ideas from this new thing called a BRAIN some people just didnt read the owners manual to their BRAIN.

Maybe it’s the product of my subpar intelligence, but I’m having trouble understanding this: how is calling the brain a “new thing” that comes with an owner’s manual supposed to make me the stupid one in this equation? You’re the one who thinks brains are new (probably because you weren’t born with one like the rest of us were), and you had to read an owner’s manual to figure out how to use it. But, based on your overall retardedness, you read the manual about as accurately as you read my question. I actually feel exponentially smarter every time I read your second sentence—which should have been broken up into two if someone hadn’t purchased her brain from a freaking swap meet.

a: people: why in the world did you ask such a obvious question?!?!? (J
b: people: that is a good question that some people dont even think about!!! (P
YOUR QUESION IS A TYPE: a

I thought the little Type A/Type B thing was quite clever; too bad you butchered it with your sh*t bucket grammar. Do you even know how to use colons? What’s with the “a: people:”? You could have just gone with “a people:” instead. If you had, you probably wouldn’t have gotten confused over whether you were talking about types of people or types of questions, I mean, quesions. See, you began by categorizing two types of people, but then you said my question was Type A. I thought we were talking about “a: people” and “b: people”—does that mean my question is a Type A person? What are you trying to tell me? Please enlighten my feeble mind with your wisdom!

As for the “(J” and “(P”, I couldn’t really tell what these were, but they must be emoticons only really, really, really smart people use.

NewEmoticons
 

45 thoughts on “”

  2. Turning to Yahoo! for anything but email is always a mistake. I know I told you already, but you are so damn funny my eyes water. Clean every corner of your whole apartment (including cupboards and any spaces below oven and fridge you can reach) with a bleach solution and after that keep your windows shut for at least a month or until the snow comes. It’s the only way to be sure.

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  6. Hahahahahaha!  I think we need to start using that oven mitt emoticon now. But remember –making bad puns is like kicking a bunny in the face. Twice!  They sound like fruit flies, except attracted to cat food instead. Cat food flies?  They’re kind of difficult to get rid of, as pretty much every apartment I’ve lived in has fruit flies.  All you can really do is keep the trash covered and take it out really often. It’s a bugger if they take up residence in the garbage disposal.  Good luck!  (P

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  7. Yes, why do people who write such rude things always grammatically incorrect? Tell her to suck on your semi-colon. Because I am sure she wouldn’t know what else to do with a semi-colon.P.S.–Did you check your flower pots or any containers with water for larvae? They usually start there.

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  9. Have you considered the possibility that these “aerospace fleas” have also advanced to being able to access the internet?They may have intercepted your message for help and decided to throw your off track with misinformation. They figured it was working so well for the Republicans, they may as well go with the flow….The tell tale signs that insects are behind this are the poor use of grammar AND their obvious weakness in the use of emoticons.Solution: turn the tables on them- feed into their superiority complex and ask what definitely wouldn’t work in killing them. This will dupe them into revealing the real poisons dangerous to them.

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  17. Brilliant,just brilliant,and very funny,hope you got rid of the ‘fleas’ anyway,and located the ‘owners manuel’ for your brain.I think it was too much to get that much criticism,or any really,on a question about bugs on the catfood,but it is funny.

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  20. actually flees could look like they’re flying because they jump so high, so i could see how someone could misconstrue them as a flying insect….but yea, the guy sounds like a retard. 

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  28. If an intelligent troll wrote that, it would probably have taken some skillful crafting to dumb themselves down to the level of unintelligible. If the response was given within minutes, well, I’m not so sure any troll is that good. Anyway, I hope it’s authentic.

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  31. I have another reason why those bugs can’t be fleas; fleas eat blood and wouldn’t be attracted to cat food. Even flea larvae eat bits of dried blood and (yuck) adult flea droppings. They’d want nothing to do with cat food.So unless you’re feeding your cat coagulated blood, this person is doubly a dumbass. But she (?) is an entertaining one, at least. (P

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  41. Awesome. Going to Yahoo Answers is like asking trolls for life skills advice. Wait a minute… it IS asking trolls for life skills advice! Great blog entry, though. Did you post this as a comeback?

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  44. Well, I just want to add, thatA.  They may not be fleas, but small (aka baby) flies. and2.  they are probaby maggots in the cat food.  (I hope you find the humor in the above statement, i’m not bashing you at all.)  Some people are so uptight and so ready to be superior to ANYONE else, they just become humor for the rest of us.  But really, they are probably small flies and maggots.  make sure to refridgerate your cat fodd after you open it, and try giving your kitty only as much as he/she will comsume in one sitting, that may mean fedding more often, or you could try dry food.and remembera.  good luck  and2.  peace!ppeck

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  45. I love your posts!  The cat one really got me.About your bugs, it’s “that time of year” for gnats and other gnat-like creatures.  What I do when I notice them coming on is: get an old coffee cup and put in it a teaspoon of balsamic vinegar and a teaspoon of dish-washing liquid (fruity is best), mix it together so that it becomes a goopy substance, and put it on the counter near your cat’s dish.  For added security you can place some saran wrap on the top and poke a few holes in it (you want the flies to get in, but not out) but I am generally too impatient for this and tend toward the see-a-bug-on-the-rim-of-the-cup-and-smash-it-in method.  The flies are attracted to the liquid inside because of its sweet, sour smell, but because of the dish-washing liquid they can’t escape and instead die slowly.Some more tips are to keep your trash limited, and have no stagnant water.  I use Wal-Mart bags hanging on a door knob.  They’re smaller, and therefore I can take them out more often.  Stagnant water is a tougher one for me to follow because I like to soak my dishes before I wash them (like finish a bowl of cereal, put it in the sink, fill it with water so that it’s easy to clean when the time comes).  When you’ve got a fruit fly infestation it’s necessary to keep your sink dry because the flies seek out the moisture (this may explain why they like your cat food, combined with the strong smell).

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