absolutangel64

Thank you all so, so much for all the helpful advice you gave me on how to schmooze! Just reading all your comments really gave me a confidence boost, and by the time I left for the cocktail party I was actually looking forward to schmoozing up a storm!

Unfortunately—and I say this with great disgust—I never got the chance to make use of the advice you blessed me with. Not one. And that was because the cocktail party that was supposed to celebrate a grand opening of a classmate’s law firm was not that at all. Even though the invitation said “Join me in celebrating the grand opening of my new law firm,” the event turned out to have nothing to do with a law firm or even the practice of law. What this classmate—whom I shall call Mr. Crater-Faced Douche—actually was inviting people to was an introductory seminar on how to become a “business builder” for Agel Enterprises.

Never heard of Agel Enterprises? That’s okay; before Sunday night, I hadn’t heard of it either—probably because Agel Enterprises isn’t a company…it’s a pyramid scheme. A pyramid scheme!

I’ve never been to a recruitment event, and I still have no idea how this bizarre chain of events started. But the experience made me realize that this stuff is going to happen a lot more often now that the economy is in a rut. People are desperate, and douche bags are greedy–and pyramid schemes bring the two groups together.

You’d think these scams wouldn’t be very successful since everyone knows pyramid schemes are illegal, and everyone knows that everyone knows this. The problem is that most schemers don’t use the term “pyramid scheme” when describing their companies. Instead, they prefer to call themselves franchisors, and they want to give you the chance to own your own business by becoming one of their franchisees. With those terms, the shady nature of the investment becomes less and less obvious—especially when there are so many examples of legitimate franchises all over the place. I know that when I hear the word “franchise” I’m more likely to think of fast food than fraud.

Pyramid schemes, however, have certain characteristics that legitimate companies don’t. And those characteristics are apparent regardless of whether they’re selling franchises, distributorships, alpacas, phone cards, whatever. And Agel Enterprises is a perfect example of a typical pyramid scheme that it embodied every single trait, and then some. Yes, it’s that crappy.

To thank you giving me tons of helpful schmoozing tips, I’d like to give you the gift of knowledge—specifically, “F*ck Off, Pyramid Scheme Douche” knowledge. This will help you quickly spot pyramid schemes, and give you ample time to get away before the scheming douche bags waste any more of your time.

There are two parts to “F*ck Off, Pyramid Scheme Douche” knowledge. One part involves law stuff. Pyramid schemes are illegal and all, so understanding the factors that the law recognizes as being telltale signs of such schemes is very useful. The second part involves developing a Douchie Sense. The Douchie Sense is like Spiderman’s “Spider Sense,” except it only tingles when you’re in the midst of something douchie—like a pyramid scheme seminar. But if you’re in danger of being attacked by a crazy comic book villain, you’re on your own…unless the villain is a mutant douche bag or something.

Anyway, let’s get knowledgeable!

I. Law Stuff

    1. Recruiting vs. Retail

Most pyramid schemes are based on a specific business model: a company makes a line of sh*t products and offers participants franchises through which they can sell the sh*t products. A successful franchise, however, is not based on selling the sh*t products. The truth is the company couldn’t care less about how much inventory is sold; it just wants you to get more people to buy a franchise. And the more franchises you sell, the more money you’ll supposedly make. Good thing, because there is no way in hell anyone would be able to make any money selling Agel’s sh*t.

Agel sells bags of liquid vitamins that can miraculously cure all your ailments. And you know this must be true because Dr. Frank Valdes says so!

 

You know what doesn’t check out? Dr. Valdes’s medical license because the f*cker doesn’t have one. Oops.

Agel also claims that its supplements are revolutionary products because they are produced using “Suspension Gel Technology.” I’m not completely sure I understand, but this so-called technology takes the vitamins found in, like, a Centrum and transforms it into a gel. So instead of swallowing a daily pill, you swallow a daily gel.

Revolutionary, my ass. Those Agel assholes probably didn’t know that Jell-O has been using “suspension gel technology” since 1897. And I’ll bet a pouch of Jell-O has greater nutritional value than a pack of this crap.

    2. Insane Profits

The amount of money the company says you’ll make is also something you should pay close attention to. Pyramid schemes like to promise profits that are “too good to be true,” and which aren’t at all realistic when you put the promises into the context they are made. A 5-figure paycheck every month is already unbelievable, but making that much selling sh*t products? You’d be better off burying your wallet in the ground and waiting for a money tree to grow. That damn tree will be sprouting way before you sell your first box of sh*t.

 

Put it all together, and you have the basic test for pyramid scheme spotting: if the business’s success depends more on recruiting new participants than selling products, and if you’re being promised insanely high returns with each new recruit you bring in, you’re dealing with a pyramid scheme.

II. Douchie Sense Development

Having a Douchie Sense will help you spot a pyramid scheme based on your surroundings. My Douchie Sense actually started going off once I got to Mr. Crater-Faced Douche’s office. I don’t know if he was being dumb or cocky, but he was not doing a good job hiding the true purpose of the party. He actually gave up a ton of clues: 

1. Fake Talk

When my friends and I arrived at the office, Mr. Crater-Faced Douche introduced us to his brother, Mr. Douchie Gimp Brother, and his lawyer friend, Mr. Lawyer Friend Douche. And once they started talking, my Douche Sense told me to get suspicious on their asses. They way they spoke sounded rehearsed—like how cult people speak when they are interviewed for a documentary. It was unnaturally Zen. What was also strange was that even though Mr. Crater-Faced Douche and Mr. Lawyer Friend Douche were both lawyers, neither of them wanted to talk about the profession, i.e., they weren’t there to network at all. All those two Douches wanted to talk about was money.

Mr. Douchie Gimp Brother was even worse. He couldn’t even pretend to be interested in talking to any of us. He just talked about money, and this new business he recently started. The thing I found particularly slimy about him was that although he wasn’t a lawyer, he had no problem criticizing the profession. He kept ragging on the pay, saying it wasn’t worth all the hours that are put in. According to Mr. Douchie Gimp Brother, lawyers could be making more money by doing less work if they opened their own businesses. He even had a friend who quit being an attorney because she was making more as an entrepreneur.

All the focus on money and how weird those guys sounded when they spoke gave me an idea: these assholes are going to rob us! No wait, they are dressed in suits. Those assholes are going to try to get us to invest in a pyramid scheme!

2. Sh*t Product Placement

On one of the office desks there was a display of Agel packets and brochures about their health benefits—you know, because shilling fake health supplements really fits in well with a law office party.

3. Shady Introduction Speech

About 30 minutes into the party, Mr. Crater-Faced Douche gathered everyone around him and said, “This is just a little get-together where people from different professions can come and network. In a little bit, my brother and I will be showing you a presentation, and afterwards we can all brainstorm ideas, about discuss this new business.”

The more I think about this one, the more I’m starting to believe Mr. Crater-Faced Douche is totally retarded because his speech only confirmed my suspicions: Umm okay, I thought this supposed to be a party for your new law office. Why the hell do we have to watch a presentation? And what’s the point of making us brainstorm and discuss ideas for your law firm? Oh! I get it. You are using your law office as a front so you can lure people into attending a pyramid scheme seminar!

4. Shady Old Fart

Probably the best proof that you’ve been invited to a pyramid scheme meeting is if there’s an Oompa Loompa-colored old fart wearing the same outfit Ricky Martin wore in his “Livin’ La Vida Loca” video somewhere in the room. You can’t miss him. He’s the leathery senior citizen who is trying to pass himself off as a hip young’n by putting gel in his hair and showing off his chest pubes. He’s the world’s biggest douche: Douchie McDouche-Douche.

 

Okay, fine, I might have made up the part where he called himself a douche bag…

You know what’s really sad though? Even if I’d never gone to law school (or college, high school, middle school, or preschool), didn’t have a Douchie Sense, and had an old-ass peanut for a brain, I still wouldn’t have invested in Agel Enterprises. Seriously, their presentation was the sh*ttiest piece of sh*t I have ever seen. All the stuff they tried to use to tempt people into becoming a participant wasn’t enticing at all. I mean, it was so bad I would have given them money to redo the damn thing.

And now I have to show you actual snapshots of the presentation just so you understand the extent of the awfulness.

Problem 1: The presentation was hosted by someone’s scary uncle:

Douche looks like his face would turn up in a sex offender registry.

Problem 2: Scary Uncle Guy says it costs $ 1,000 to become an Agel Enterprises “business builder.”

“…I know in today’s economy that can be an issue for some people.”

Okay, if all you heard was that sentence, what would be the next thing you’d expect the guy to say? I thought he would say something like, “We at Agel will pay the start-up costs.” After all, he had just acknowledged how difficult it would be for some people to come up with the $ 1,000 needed to join the scam. Requiring payment from someone whom you know doesn’t have that kind of cash would be an obvious sign that the whole thing was a scam, and also make Agel look totally douchie. Besides, what better way to lure in the vulnerable than by making it free for them to become “business builders”? All they would have to pay are the costs associated with maintaining their “businesses.”

Shows you how little I know about running a pyramid scheme because the next thing Scary Uncle Guy said was: “Some may have to borrow the money, take from savings, or put it on a credit card.”

And then the video cuts to more scenes of business builders talking about all the money they’ve made!

Problem 3: “The Agel opportunity offers you the chance to afford trips.”

All I see are a mob of seagulls flapping everywhere and a couple walking on doodoo sand…and I think the couple in the background is getting pecked alive.

Problem 4: “Did you know you can earn a new bonus car, and Agel will pay for it?”

Why would getting a car be enticing when it also comes with a free douche bag?

And here’s another clip of a bonus car (and free douche bag) you could earn by tricking people into selling gelatin in a pouch:

That piece of sh*t looks like it came from “Herbie: Fully Loaded.”

Problem 5: The diagram illustrating how recruiting more participants leads to more money.

 

This is so, so sad…

 

Your diagram is of a f*cking pyramid, dumbass!

I hope this helps you all protect yourselves from shady pyramid schemes!