I. LOL Cats and I Can Has Cheezburger
I love cats and I also love cheeseburgers, so by default I should love icanhascheezburger.com and its LOL Cats. But I don’t. I don’t think any of the pictures or captions are funny—and I have visited so many times! I’ve actually spent hours looking at the photos in hopes that one of them will at least get me to crack a smile or something. But it’s like my sense of humor has really bad constipation, and no matter how hard I try to squeeze out a kernel of amusement, the only thing that comes out is hot air.
And can you blame me for feeling this way? Most of the pictures look like this:
Someone took a picture of a cat while it was in the middle of yawning, and then threw in a caption based on an object that was also captured in the shot. Hilarious.
I’m in the minority though, because everyone who’s ever seen the website just loves it. And I don’t understand why. Why? What is it about this sh*t that I don’t get?
II. Ventriloquist Comedians
I don’t flip through television channels anymore. I’m too afraid to. I’ve had too many traumatic experiences in channel surfing hell—I’d rather turn my T.V. off and sit in total darkness and silence. It would be extremely boring, yes, but at least I’ll be safe from danger. Channel surfing, my friends, is dangerous. You might think you are just pressing the “Channel Up” or “Channel Down” buttons on your remote, but the truth is your haphazard search for something to watch is putting you in harm’s way. And you won’t realize this until it is too late…when you come face-to-face with your worst fears:
ARGH! A doll version of me ventriloquist dummy!
Yes, the threat of seeing a ventriloquist dummy on television is what keeps me from flipping through channels nowadays. And no, I don’t subscribe to some creepy doll cable package. The only times I’ve ever seen these wooden nightmares was on one of Comedy Central’s stand-up specials. One of the comedians they feature is a guy named Jeff Dunham, who uses ventriloquist dummies in his routine. Why he and his scary dolls deserve airtime is beyond me—I mean, the gross dummy is bad enough. Combine that with a guy who is about as funny as getting a rusty nail through your foot and you get a “Saw” movie comedy that’s more “Dante’s Inferno” than “Dave Chappelle.”
But again, I might actually be the only person who dislikes ventriloquist-dummy-using comedians. It always looks like Jeff Dunham is performing to a sold-out crowd, and the audience laughs at everything he and his scary dummies say. He’s apparently so funny that he’s getting his own show now. That’s right: he and his dolls are going to be part of Comedy Central’s regular programming schedule!
Why? Why? Why?
III. Jon Gosselin
Why do I know more about this guy than I do some of my own relatives? He’s only famous because he was on “Jon & Kate Plus 8,” a show I have never watched. And yet, he has somehow managed to make me aware of his existence. There is a news update about him every day—although, I don’t know if you could consider them updates when they’re all about him being a bitter loser. The guy was on Larry King’s show twice. His face is unavoidable at grocery store checkout lines. He’s a herpes sore in flip-flops: he may go away, but it’ll never be permanent. And when he comes back, you’ll know because he brings with him a painful burning sensation.
He’s loathsome and obnoxious, but most people must find him fascinating or else he would not be getting as much publicity as he is. What’s so appealing about him? What is it about this piece of sh*t that I don’t get?
I’m assuming this is what a herpes sore looks like…didn’t really feel like looking up any images for fear I’d see something that made my eyes bleed.
absolutangel64 
I thought I was just not up with the times with the LOL cats…I feel a smidge better now…
Some of the lolcatz amuse me… not as much as your MS Paint cats though. as for no. 2, bad R.L. Stine memories?
“I’m assuming this is what a herpes sore looks like…didn’t really feel like looking up any images for fear I’d see something that made my eyes bleed.”… like a ventriloquist’s doll version of Jon Gosselin.Actually, I’ve never seen his face and recognized it, so I’m glad that I’ll always imagine him as a herpes sore now.
LMAO! Thats freakin Funny!
I drink your milkshake!
I luv ur posts
i don’t get any of those either.go watch big bunny.
Just thank God that you don’t have a sister who constantly re-watches the first three seasons of the show. Do you know how many times I say “Jon is a douchebag” a day and in my sleep?
I’d have to agree with pretty much everything you said, however I have seen a lolcat or two, and jeff dunham has made me crack a smile. I prefer other comedians like a Jon Pinette, Chris Rock, Russel Peters, Bobby Lee, Pablo Francisco etc. Ventriloquism isn’t my thing either
You are really funny! XD I don’t get lolcatz either, I don’t visit that site, just the ones that people post on their sites. Some pictures are cute but I don’t care for the captions.I hate ugly puppets not the cute finger felt puppets but those wooden ones and ventriloquists dolls are so scary too! John Gosselin, ah I only read about him and Kate here on Xanga! So I guess I am lucky? You were missed around here!
LOL Cats are NOT funny. I’ve tried to like them as well. Just don’t understand the humor. I do like Jeff Dunham, granted we always watch the DVD after we’ve been out and have a few beers to finish at home. =] I don’t like Gosselian either though. Is all the media coverage necessary, what about the hundreds of other dads who have cheated on/left their family….I don’t have any need to know what is going on in his life! LOVE THE PICS!
I didn’t know they had a site; I thought it was just one picture.
I never understood the LOL cats. Most of my friends adore them, however, so I’m exposed to them frequently. Poo.
jeff dunham is okay… your cool
I think you’re missing the point of icanhascheezburger.com. While it may look like a comedy site of some sort, that’s just a front. It’s real purpose is just to give manly-men (and unmanly-men) an excuse to look at cute cat pictures. But not me. I don’t need an excuse to look at cute cat pictures.
Hehehe, you’re scared of dummies!
same thing la
um none of the cute cat thing i have see n look like those cartoon things
Awkward pictures. I don’t much like them either. ♥
i would prefer a lolpenguins website
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HAHAHA you’re hilarious
I agree with you on the third one. But I love the first two. :B
ha ha ha I like the pics They made me smile!
Jon Gosselin has issues. And yes, I know more about him than some of my own relatives…(and why did this guy think he was going to design baby outfits for Ed Hardy? seriously???)
The Gosselins are ridiculously lame. They need to grow the hell up and take care of their kids. They’re barely a step up from Octo-mom. Now that lady is wiggedy-whacked.I’m not fond of those ventriloquist dummies either. I think I saw a Tales from the Crypt episode back in grade school that I’ve never really gotten over. It’s ventriloquist dummies and clowns for me… dude, Stephen King’s IT freaked the crap out of me when I was in junior high.
I agree with your assessment of Jeff Dunham stand up. My theory is that he hypnotizes people into thinking he’s fun so that he can gain popularity then enslave the world with his creepy puppet czars.
I totally agree about Jon Gosselin…I really don’t understand how he’s managed to creep his way into everyone’s radar…and that MS Paint picture bares uncanny resemblance to him