I know it’s the second doodoo-related post I’ve written in less than a week, but there is an important issue that I think needs to be addressed: Bowel Movement Back Splash.

Bowel Movement Back Splash, or “BoMBS,” occurs when your poop kernel falls into the toilet in a way that causes the water to splash up to your butt. It’s heinous and disgusting, and no one should ever have to go through life knowing what it feels like.

Sadly, I am not so lucky and have experienced BoMBS before. And those instances were so traumatizing that I’ve actually spent time trying to figure out ways to protect myself from receiving a doodoo water enema. I’ve tried varying my fiber intake, sitting and slouching on the toilet seat, pooping at an angle–I’ve basically gone through every possible solution except crapping into my own hands.

I don’t know what my poop’s problem is! Why can’t it just fall out gracefully? Why must it turn a simple dump into an Olympic event?

So unfair…