absolutangel64

Just like with toilet paper rolls, there are certain unspoken rules we all must abide by when riding in elevators, such as:

            1. Don’t fart in an elevator;

            2. Don’t press (or let someone else press) every button on the control panel;

            3. If you see someone pushing every button on the control panel, you have the privilege duty to chuck the offender off the highest floor of the building. Doesn’t matter if that is the second or the twenty-second floor—that person must be chucked;

            4. If you see someone carrying groceries from Costco, don’t do this:

Are plastic-wrapped trays of bell peppers really so intriguing? Because Old Man River almost poked a hole through the wrapper.

…and, of course,

            5. Hold the elevator doors open for stragglers.

The tricky part about the fifth rule is figuring out which stragglers give rise to this obligation. You’d obviously hold the doors open for those who were waiting for the elevator at the same time you were, but what about the people who are still walking towards the lobby by the time you’ve already gotten into the elevator?

That’s where the Elevator Rider Zone, or ERZ, comes in to save the day. The ERZ is the zone around an elevator lobby that a person must be within in order for Rule 5 to kick in. Every elevator has its own ERZ, the radius of which is determined by the community of users. For example, at my apartment complex, the ERZ appears to be based on the time it takes the elevator doors to close: if you are within the lobby by the time the doors start closing, then whoever is in the elevator must hold the doors open for you. And if you are walking towards the elevator and you notice that someone behind you is also headed in that direction, then you have to hold the elevator doors open for that person if he makes it into the lobby when the doors start closing.

Most of my fellow residents are Rule 5-abiding people. I’d like to say “all of my fellow residents” instead, but I can’t because of this:

One day, I was taking the elevator down to the garage:

I had barely taken two steps out of the elevator when this guy suddenly pushed me aside, and rushed in:

It wasn’t a forceful push, but it was enough to make me turn around and give him an evil, frigid b*tch glare (that’s about the extent of my throw-down repertoire).

I started evilly staring at him, but it was quickly apparent that my efforts were going to waste because the guy wasn’t even paying attention to me.

He was instead staring over me and into the parking lot. He was also mashing the “close door” button—not that I could see which key he was pressing since I was already outside of the elevator, but I am pretty sure that’s the button he was going off on because the doors started closing way sooner than they normally would have.

As the doors were coming together, a woman walked into the lobby and towards the elevator. But the doors didn’t open—they ended up shutting right in her face!

As far-fetched as this may sound, I seriously believe the guy was trying to avoid having to wait for the woman by closing the doors before Rule 5 kicked in. That, or she was actually an axe murderer trying to kill him…maybe because he had closed the elevator doors on her face before…? Hmm…

That guy was trying to avoid being a Rule 5 benefactor, but what about someone who is trying to be a Rule 5 beneficiary, even though she’s not within the ERZ? That’s the question I’m stuck at.

Here’s what happened:

I was in the elevator:

I love Costco, okay? I mean, I’d live there if I could—and then I could have a giant chicken pot pie every single day!

There wasn’t anyone near the lobby when the elevator doors started closing, so I didn’t have to do any obligatory Rule 5 waiting. But, just when the doors were about to completely shut, I sudden heard:

I threw my hands between the doors, and they opened up again. But when I looked outside, I didn’t see anyone in the lobby. Did I have to pee so badly that I was now hearing things? Or maybe it was those damned UTI-causing bacteria trying to prevent me from killing their colonization dreams!

It turned out to be neither. Instead, I looked towards the garage and I saw this abomination:

Yes, this tanned-to-a-crisp leather monster with bleached-out hair and eyebrows (and most likely carpet, if she had any) was the one who had bellowed out “Wait! Wait!” I don’t even know why she needed me to hold the elevator for her when she was at the far end of the parking lot, way outside the ERZ.

Plus, the elevator isn’t slow, and it only has to service 6 floors. Why couldn’t she just wait for it to come back down?

It really doesn’t matter; she shouted, I heard her, and now I was holding the elevator for her as she slowly made her way towards the lobby. She probably could have walked a bit faster, but she was too busy typing on her cell phone to bother with being considerate to me and my increasingly unhappy bladder.

By the way: my bladder speaks with a British accent.

The elevator here has an alarm that goes off whenever the doors are held open for too long—roughly 60 seconds or so. The sound is piercing and so loud that you can hear it even though you’re not anywhere near the elevator. I think the alarm was programmed that way to shame whoever is holding things up. And on that day, the shamed person was supposed to be me:

The blaring “BEEP” was putting more stress on my bladder which, in turn, heightened my own distress. I was hoping that the girl would hear the alarm and move a bit faster, but she didn’t. And I know it she heard it, because she looked up at me when it started:

…And then went back to texting!

I’d had enough. I was on the verge of becoming a bad “Depends” commercial, and my hearing was deteriorating with each passing second. I had to choose between breaking Rule 5 or bursting my bladder, and I chose the first option. That girl was a rude, leathery, ass monster who was going to just have to wait for the elevator to come back down after it dropped me off.

I think I was pretty justified in closing the elevator on the girl in that situation, but I am left wondering: if I didn’t have to pee badly, and if the leather monster wasn’t an inconsiderate b*tch, would I have been obligated to hold the elevator for her? I know she was out of the ERZ, but she made it known that she was approaching, and had requested that I wait for her. Are you supposed to then wait for someone under those circumstances?

I’m serious: what’s the elevator etiquette on this one?